


The Dark

by JustJordan



Category: Deltarune (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Escapism, Isolation, Self-Harm, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:29:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 19,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23033221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustJordan/pseuds/JustJordan
Summary: For her whole life, Susie hadn’t known what it was like to have friends.  All of that changed when she fell into the Dark World.  She met people who accepted her, Light and Dark, for exactly who she was.  And somewhere along the way, she even managed to start accepting herself, as well.  Getting lost in that closet was the best thing that had ever happened to her.Five years later, she wakes up in a cold sweat.
Comments: 32
Kudos: 50





	1. Hungry

_Then…_

_I guess…this is it?_

_…jeez._

_This sucks, huh?_

_Ha ha…_

_…_

_…I won’t accept it._

_No. I CAN’T accept it._

_Before I met you guys, I thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life, and…_

_And I’m not gonna give up on something like that so easily._

_I’ll come back. Understand?_

_No matter what it takes, no matter how long we have to wait. I’ll come back._

_Okay?_

_I promise._

~~~

Susie awoke in darkness.

She lay still for a moment, staring up at the ceiling, tracing the cracks in the plaster with her eyes. The mid-January wind whistled quietly from just outside her window.

Her body was still tense from the ache of waking from a nightmare – a _dull_ ache, one that Susie had become well familiar with. She sat up, her spine creaking with the effort. There, cross legged and bent over in the middle like a broken toy, her eyes became lost in the curves and creases of the bedsheets beneath her, tossed, tousled, comfort only for the body.

Wordlessly, Susie brushed them off and got to her feet, the footfalls of her wide frame deceptively soft against the hardwood. She sighed, stretched, stuffed her phone into her sweatpants.

She shut her alarm off on the way out, not bothering to check the time.

Stress eating was an indulgence that made nights like this bearable for Susie. It was a vice that even she hadn’t expected to turn to – if anything, she thought she’d have anger problems, or that her stress would externalize itself in some other way. But college had changed her.

As Susie searched for a meal, half paying attention, and only half caring what she would end up eating, the light of the fridge cast a harsh, artificial glow over the kitchen tiles, highlighting the crumbs and dust bunnies that had yet to be swept. It was her day to sweep, tomorrow – today, technically.

After some deliberation, Susie extracted a carton of eggs. Half a dozen had already vanished since they’d been purchased two days prior, some to breakfasts, some to Kris’ recipes, some to evening ventures like this one. Susie shut the fridge behind her, popped an egg into her mouth, and made a mental note to do Kris a favor and buy the next carton herself.

The living room lay before her, the T.V. oblong and monolithic in the gray, early morning light. It made Susie uncomfortable to look at. On the other side of the room, a long couch slumped mournfully against the wall. Susie sat down on it and heard it creak almost pleasantly beneath her. She was a familiar presence on this particular piece of furniture, which now appeared to sag even when she wasn’t around to sit on it. It was comforting, somehow, to think that it 

_hadn’t forgotten_

remembered her.

She looked down at the carton and saw that it was shockingly bare. Most of the eggs had disappeared into her maw somewhere along the way during her trek from the kitchen. She decided to save the last two, just in case Kris wanted any in the morning.

Susie shut the carton and placed it down on the coffee table beside her. With that, she lay down on the couch and rested her arms firmly at her sides.

The faint taste of eggs still lingered in her mouth. It grew bitterer and bitterer by the second, as it always did when she binged them. The cracks in the plaster above yawned down at her.

She swallowed, her throat sore. The aftertaste was _always_ horrible.

Susie wanted to eat some chalk.


	2. Concentrating

The wind from the night before had persisted long past sunrise. There hadn’t been any snow yet, but the wind still blew, ice-cold and ruthless. Even as Susie watched, it caused the frame of the windowsill by her desk to rattle dangerously.

She was getting distracted.

Susie turned her attention back to her spiral-bound notebook. It was covered in writing – chicken scrawl, dipping randomly over and under the dotted lines as it pleased. This was partly due to Susie’s poor writing habits, which had persisted up until late high school, but it was also because most pens and pencils were too small for her to use comfortably. She could never get a good grip, and sometimes she’d break the damn thing just trying.

Well, it didn’t matter how messy her notes were as long as she could read them.

The professor’s voice faded back into Susie’s world.

“…is an example of the invisible hand in action. When citizens are left to their own devices, social value is maximized, and the best interests of society are fulfilled.”

The professor, a wiry, green monster, vaguely dinosaur-like in shape, was explaining an economic theory that Susie already knew. She listened anyways.

“If you think about it, it’s a little bit of a miracle,” the professor said, turning from his slide presentation to face the class with a cheeky smile. “How the self-interest of individuals such as you or I can bring such _prosperity_ to the monsters around you.”

A pause. He chuckled dryly. “Though I’m sure some of you would prefer to think of it as _ironic_.”

A ripple passed through the class, barely audible. An acknowledgement that the professor had attempted a joke.

“Mm. Tough crowd. Now, let’s move on to the material covered in Chapter 5,” the professor said, clapping his two sets of hands together.

Susie glanced down at her textbook, already open to _Chapter 5: Elasticity and the Law of Demand_. This was the reading material that the professor had assigned for this week. Susie had already read it once, when she’d originally taken this course in the Fall, and a second time last night, in preparation for today.

“Now, before I start putting you all to sleep again with my _lovely_ speaking voice…” the professor said. Another ripple passed through the crowd, and the professor gave everyone a sympathetic smile. A ‘thanks-for-trying’ smile. “Who can tell me the definition of elasticity?” he asked.

A few monsters raised their hands, Susie among them. The professor gestured towards her.

Susie sat straight up in her seat and cleared her throat.

“It’s, uh – elasticity basically measures how flexible a product is. Like, how price affects demand. So, if the price of oranges goes up, but there isn’t a good enough substitute for oranges, people will keep buying them even though they cost more. Something like that’s called inelastic.”

Too rambly. She’d also gone off-topic.

The professor nodded curtly and gave Susie a dry smile. A ‘thanks-for-trying’ smile. “Good,” he said simply. With that, he turned back to his slide presentation and continued with the lecture.

Susie leaned back into her seat. It was an easy question, and although her answer hadn’t been elegant by any stretch of the imagination, she was at least confident that she understood the concept. That was most important part.

Anyway, she’d _better_ understand it. This stuff was first-week material. If she didn’t have it drilled into her head by now, she was hopeless.

As the professor continued the lecture, Susie redoubled her efforts, furiously copying down notes to a chapter she’d twice read.

She was _not_ about to fail this course for a second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading the first two chapters of my fic! It's beautiful people like you that make writing worthwhile <3
> 
> So, I've been away from the fanfiction game for a little over a year, now. Ever since I finished my last fic, I've been working really hard on something else - an original story that I'd like to share with you all. Is it done? Will it be ready soon? Who knoooooows...
> 
> For now, please enjoy this little story that I wrote! I should say that it likely won't be as long as my last fic. It's also not really split into multiple arcs, either. It's more singular and interconnected. I'm enjoying the change of pace.
> 
> As always, chapters will be uploaded when they're finished, but extenuating circumstances non-withstanding, you can expect a chapter every week for now. They'll go up on Saturdays here and on fanfiction.net. (Don't worry, they usually won't be as short as these first two are.)
> 
> Also, I have a Twitter now, and it's the best place to go if you'd like to keep up to date on all of my latest writing and creative endeavors! My tag is @jordan_peloquin.
> 
> Well, I think that's everything, for now.
> 
> Again, thank you so much. I hope the rest of the story lives up to your expectations.


	3. Napping

It was only after her classes that the lack of sleep started to catch up with her. It always happened this way – she’d power through until late afternoon, and then, on the walk home, it would all finally crash down on her.

Susie could feel her legs aching as she made the final push up her front porch. Fumbling with the keys to her apartment for a moment, she unlocked the door and shuffled in, shutting it behind her.

Susie let out a loud sigh. She deflated against the kitchen table, her shoulders sagging and her eyes closing for a moment.

Blissful lack of motion.

“Long day?”

Susie’s eyes blinked open. Kris was standing in the door to the kitchen, a sympathetic smile glowing warmly at her from beneath his bangs.

Susie’s heart warmed at the sight of him. “Nah. Just didn’t get any sleep last night,” she said. Reinvigorated at the sight of her friend, she inhaled deeply and picked herself up from the table, hoisting her knapsack up onto her shoulder and walking quickly past Kris. “Hold on. Gotta put this shit away before I pass out.”

“Enjoy your nap,” Kris said. “I’m cooking beef tonight.”

“ _Fuck_ , yes.” Susie entered her room; a small thing, tucked away at the back of the apartment, behind the kitchen. “Can I pay you back?”

Kris’ chuckle echoed in from the kitchen. “If you insist,” he said.

Susie shut the door to her room, a smile still on her face. She dropped her bag down by her desk and rolled onto her bed, sinking into it with a heavy sigh. She buried her face into her pillow, shutting out the outside world for good.

Almost instantly, sleep overtook her.

~~~

_…_

_Annnnnnnnnd hell no._

_Aww, Susie, it’s OK if you don’t know how!_

_What? Shut up, that’s not the problem!_

_…Are you sure?_

_Alright, LOOK, wise guy! I’ll show you! Watch this!_

_AHEM._

_…_

_So, uh…_

_Come here…often?_

_(Head Hathy felt awkward and left…)_

_HEY, GET BACK HERE AND LET ME FLIRT WITH YOU!!!_

_T-That went poorly…_

_Would YOU like to try, goat boy?_

_Oh!_

_W-Well, I suppose if it can’t be helped…!_

_How’s this?_

_Ahem._

_Knock, knock._

_Hah! A knock knock joke? Seriously?!_

_Man, I knew you’d be bad at it, but I didn’t expect something THAT out of touch, goat boy!_

_Knock, knock, knock._

_…Ralsei?_

_H-Hey, are you okay? What are you doi –_

~~~

Knock.

Knock.

.  
.  
.

For the briefest of moments, the knocking at her door was all that Susie could register. The rest of her world was nothing but a thick, murky soup that lay somewhere between sleep and wakefulness.

Soon, however, that wonderful lack of being faded, and Susie became acutely aware of the world around her – as well as the cold layer of sweat that was covering every inch of her body. She inhaled deeply, her mouth sour and stale from her nap, and sat up in her bed, her clothes sticking to her scales uncomfortably. She peeled them away, grumbling.

Two nightmares in one day. That was a new record.

Knock, knock.

“ _Shit –_ ” Susie cleared her throat. “Y-Yeah. Coming.”

“I just wanted to let you know that dinner was ready,” Kris’ voice came from the other side of the door.

“Oh. Thanks,” Susie said. She got to her feet, stretching her limbs.

Awake once more, Susie crossed the floor of her room and opened the door.


	4. Working

The words of her essay were starting to blur and swim on her computer screen. Susie blinked hard and shut her laptop, rubbing her eyes viciously.

Kris looked over from the other side of the table. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah…” Susie said, careful to keep her voice down. She and Kris were sitting in a small study room, with just enough room for a table and two chairs. A wall of glass separated their little bubble from the rest of the college library, where monsters could be seen walking between the shelves, talking quietly with their friends, and pondering which books to check out.

“If it’s getting difficult to concentrate, take a break,” Kris suggested, turning back to his textbook.

“That’s what I’m doin’,” replied Susie, leaning back in her chair with a sigh. But she leaned too far and accidentally smacked her head into the wall behind her. She hissed, rubbing her scalp.

When she returned her attention back to table, she saw that Kris was no longer eyeing his homework. Instead, his gaze was fixed solely on her.

“Something’s bothering you,” he said plainly.

Susie shifted awkwardly in her seat. It was too small for her.

“N-No,” she said dumbly.

Kris hummed thoughtfully. “We’re out of eggs, and it’s only Wednesday.”

Susie grumbled. “I’ve got projects due this week. Had to pull a few all-nighters. Lay off.”

Kris frowned. His piercing eyes, half-obscured by a curtain of dirty brown hair, remained fixated on Susie.

He could always tell when something was eating at her.

Susie sighed, deflating into her cramped chair.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said quietly.

Kris leaned forward.

“Are you sure?” he asked, his words firm and purposeful.

Susie looked into his

_striking red eyes_

face.

And gulped.

And opened up her laptop again.

“Yeah,” she said. “Maybe later.”

Kris waited for a moment.

Then, he returned to his homework.

“Okay,” he said simply. He resumed reading his textbook and jotted down a few notes.

Susie breathed deeply. She cracked her neck, mentally preparing herself for the plunge she would soon take back into her essay.

She typed in her password and accidentally mis-clicked a few of the keys. Much like the chair, the keyboard was far too small for her. Susie retyped her password and hit enter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to give a big thank you to everyone who's read these first four chapters! I'm so glad that you've taken the time to read my story. Wonderful people like you really do make it all worthwhile <3
> 
> I know I said that I would update every Saturday at minimum, but I may have underestimated my output. For these first four chapters, I've updated biweekly with no problem. I think I'll try to continue that trend. So, going forward, you all can expect one chapter every Saturday and and another sometime in between Saturdays (probably either Monday or Tuesday).
> 
> Thanks again for reading. In light of what's been going on recently with the Coronavirus, please stay safe and wash your hands! Now's the perfect time to chill indoors with some fanfiction~


	5. Memory of Sight

The first time she’d seen Kris’ eyes had been the day after they went to the Dark World for the first time.

Kris hadn’t come to school, and Susie had been worrying about him all day. She’d tried several times to track down Toriel, but only managed to grab the teacher’s attention just as she was leaving the school. When she asked about Kris, all Toriel had said was that he’d been feeling ill and was taking a day off to rest.

Susie remembered feeling relieved. She also remembered the flush of awkwardness that had come over her thereafter, when she realized that she had just asked Ms. Dreemurr about her own son. Instantly, Susie had made some excuse and tried to leave.

Toriel had stopped her.

‘Why did you want to know about Kris?’ she’d asked, her tone questioning but firm.

‘Uh. Just curious,’ Susie had replied. ‘I can’t remember him ever getting sick before. Just wanted to make sure he was okay.’

Toriel had given her a confused, almost baffled look. Susie could feel her pulse skyrocketing, even now.

‘By any chance, are you the… _friend_ that Kris was playing with, yesterday?’ she’d asked.

How should she answer? How _could_ she answer? Susie was a notorious bully. Everyone knew that – Toriel, especially. There was no way she could convince her.

But despite this, she’d managed to respond with a tentative and unconvincing: ‘Y-Yeah, I guess so.’

Toriel had hummed quietly for a moment, pondering Susie.

‘Well, I will tell him that you were thinking of him.’

And she’d gotten into her car and left.

~~~

A few days later, Kris returned to school. When he did, he looked different, somehow. Gone was his passivity, for he’d raised a hand in greeting when he first saw Susie on the other side of the hallway. Gone was his zombie-like shuffle, as he walked determinedly through the crowd of people towards her.

Gone was his silence, when he’d looked up at her and said, ‘Hi.’

Susie had been completely floored.

‘Uh… _hey_ ,’ she’d said. “Feeling better?”

‘Yes, much better,’ he’d said, brushing his bangs off to the side. And there they were, a pair of unnaturally crimson eyes, looking up at Susie expectantly. They pierced her – saw _through_ her.

‘What’s up with your _eyes_ , dude?!’ she’d said, laughing nervously. ‘Have they always been like that?’

Kris had smiled amusedly, brushing his bangs aside once more in response. ‘I think that they look cool.’

‘Well, _yeah_ , but…’ Susie whistled. ‘I mean – you still seem – What _happened_ to you, man?’

After a moment’s pause, Kris had shrugged.

‘Who knows?’ was all he’d said. And that was that.

From then on, it was as though an invisible pair of shackles had lifted from Kris’ shoulders. He spoke up in class, in that quiet yet firm voice of his that she soon grew accustomed to. He spoke calmly and politely with the teachers. He was like a completely different person.

But at the same time, he _wasn’t_ different. Not really. He pulled pranks with Susie, and played video games with her after school. He often offered to help her with her homework, and occasionally, when Susie was having a bad day, he'd just _be_ there, and hear her out. He was still her best friend.

Him, and those still in the Dark World.

~~~

She could deal with the nightmares. Really, she could.

But _before_ the nightmares, when all she could do was wait for them to come…

Those were too much.


	6. Closing

Susie gathered up her textbook, notes, and pencils, and shoved them all haphazardly into her knapsack. She got to her feet with a sigh and made her way out of the room, stepping carefully around her classmates, most of whom were still chatting.

As Susie exited the room, she mentally reevaluated her schedule for the coming weekend. She was booked with homework and a couple other obligations on Saturday and most of Sunday, but had left Sunday night open intentionally just in case any unexpected assignments came her way.

And one just had – earlier today, her a professor had set the date for her next test. It was still three weeks out, but on its way nonetheless, and that meant that Susie had to worry about it. It was going to be on Fourier Series, a subject that had given her trouble in the past. Getting a head start studying for it was probably ideal.

But it was three weeks away. Surely she didn’t have to start studying for it _now?_

Ha.

Susie sighed and cracked her neck.

Guess it was going to be a long weekend.

She walked up to the centermost room of the academic hall, looking out through the windows at the world beyond. The wind had continued all week and showed no signs of stopping. Outside, the leafless trees bowed and swayed, as though trying to free themselves from their earthy prisons.

It looked cold as hell. Pretty soon, she’d have to bundle up and brave it, marching all the way home against the wind. Kris would be there, cooking in the kitchen or doing his art in the living room, one of the two. And she’d try and get some work done, maybe, but probably not, she was _always_ tired on Fridays, and then she’d get some sleep and wake up sometime on Saturday, and then more homework, and then Sunday, and still more homework, and now studying for her test on Sunday night, and then Monday and classes again, and quite suddenly, the inevitability of it all

_knocked_

_her_

_dead_

hit her, and she found that she was quite unable to move.

So she didn't. And so there she stood, unmoving, unfeeling, unthinking, for a very long time. She watched her classmates skirt around her, heard them laugh about their plans for the weekend, felt their stares on her back. There she stood, at once an obstacle and a non-entity to everyone and everything around her.

Blissful lack of motion.

_No._

Susie breathed in.

_You will not do this._

Susie breathed out.

_Do not rest._

_Do not stop._

_Do not think._

Susie gritted her teeth and zipped up her jacket.

_Just keep moving._

She walked out, against the wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, the chapters just keep getting shorter, don't they...? I don't mean for it to happen, I swear!! ;-;
> 
> We're through the worst of it, though. Many of the future chapters will be much longer, the next one in particular.
> 
> Thank you again for reading my story. It means so much to me.


	7. Crying

It was a Saturday, and that meant movie night at Kris and Susie’s apartment.

The film that had been selected for this particular evening was _Faces Within Faces_. It was a horror film that Susie had wanted to watch for a while, now, so she’d been trying to get herself excited for it all day.

Her friends had helped with that. Chipmunsk, a squirrel-like monster, had been rattling off pun after pun since the moment she’d walked in the door, her twin tails twitching every time she gave what she thought was a good one. Berdly stood in the corner in an almost gargoyle-esque fashion, sneering disapprovingly, but playfully, at Chipmunsk’s jokes. Meanwhile, Blorina had voiced her approval for every single one, her round, featureless, slime-like body shivering and shaking with laughter.

“good joke, bl-chipmunsk.” Blorina bubbled.

“It _wasn’t_ ,” Berdly sneered, cackling. “Can’t you try something that _isn’t_ a pun?”

“Whaaat? But puns are my best material!” Chipmunsk said, swooning dramatically. “Without them, I’m _no-pun!!_ ”

Susie turned to Berdly and raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t count, right?”

“ _Absolutely not_ ,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“Whaaat?! Okay, okay. How about _this_ one – ” Chipmunsk cleared her throat. “What do you call a fish with no eyes?”

“Blind,” Susie deadpanned.

“a freak of bl-nature.” Blorina bubbled quietly.

“This punchline is going to be _very_ stupid,” Berdly grumbled.

Chipmunsk glared at Berdly for a moment before gesturing widely with her arms and hitching in her breath. “A FSSHHHH!!”

Susie frowned. “Wh – _HA!!_ ” The joke was so stupid, Susie couldn’t help but laugh.

“Don’t _encourage_ her, Susie!” Berdly cackled, despite the fact that he, too, was laughing. “ _Heh heh_ – Ah, well, at least it wasn’t a pun.”

Chipmunsk grinned a buck-toothed grin. “I’m glad that I finally have your _bird-proval_.”  
  
Susie’s laughter redoubled. “That _ALSO_ wasn’t a pun – !!”

“ _No! It wasn’t!!_ ” Berdly shrieked. “How do you _function?!_ ”

Just then, Kris saved Chipmunsk from Berdly’s wrath by entering the room with a tray of piping hot, chocolate chip cookies.

“They’re done,” he said, plopping the tray down onto the coffee table.

“AT LAST!” Chipmunsk cackled, stuffing several into her oversized, squirrel-like cheeks.

“leave some for bl-us.” Blorina pleaded, her slimy surface quivering anxiously.

“There’s plenty. I have another batch in now,” Kris said, tossing a cookie onto Blorina. It sank into her slimy body, dissolving within for all to see.

Susie chuckled, popping a few into her mouth. “Alright, we ready for the movie?”

“Yup,” Kris said. “Oh, I also brought some drinks.” He laid out three brand-name beers on the coffee table.

Red Apple? Not bad,” Berdly said, taking one. “I’ll pay you back later.”

“Only if you want to,” Kris said. He turned on the television and shot a playful glare at Susie, the only one who he hadn’t brought a drink out for. “You’ll have to try one someday, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Susie said, rolling her eyes.

“Did you guys decide on a movie?” Chipmunsk asked. “I don’t really care what we watch.”

“Should be _Faces Within Faces_ ,” Berdly said.

“HECK YEAH!” Chipmunsk cheered. She curled up in the corner of the couch, wrapping her twin tails around her legs. “I am _so_ in a horror mood tonight.”

Susie narrowed her eyes and smirked. “I thought you didn't care?”

“If it’s important to _you_ , then it’s important to _me!_ ” Chipmunsk said with a huff, crossing her arms resolutely.

Susie chuckled, leaning back into the couch with a sigh.

Truthfully, she wasn’t really in the mood for _any_ movie tonight. Already, she could tell that she was going to spend most of _Faces Within Faces_ thinking about how much work she could be getting done…

“Ready?”

Susie blinked and looked to her left. Kris had joined her on the couch, and was currently aiming the remote at the T.V. His crimson eyes looked up at her, waiting for her response.

She kicked herself inwardly. God, she _had_ to stop doing this. This was her _one chance_ to relax this weekend. If she had to, she’d _force_ herself to enjoy it.

Susie kicked back with a sigh and stretched her arms across the back of the couch. “Hit it.”

Kris obliged, hitting the ‘play’ button and tossing the remote onto the coffee table. As the opening credits began to play, he leaned back and rested his head on Susie’s arm.

~~~

“Hey, Susie, are you feeling okay?”

Susie yawned. “Yeah. Why?”

“Well, you, uh…” Berdly said. “You didn’t really seem. _Into_ it, tonight.”

Susie blinked, suddenly wide awake. Everyone else had left, and now, it was just Susie and Berdly, lying down on opposite couches. Kris could be heard in the kitchen, cleaning up after the cookies.

“Uh…no, I was into it,” she said carefully. “I love horror. Horror’s my _thing_.”

“Yeah, I know. But you barely said _anything_ for the whole movie,” Berdly said. “You’re usually talking about how cool the monsters are, or how _dumb_ the characters are, or _something_.”

Susie shifted on the couch. “M”just thinking about some stuff.”

“Yeah? About what?” Berdly asked.

“It’s – “

_none of your business_

Susie took a deep breath.

“Just school stuff,” she said. “Got a lot of work to do this weekend.”

“Oh, jeez, _tell_ me about it,” Berdly grumbled. “I’ve got an essay due Monday that I haven’t even _started_ yet.”

Susie hummed sympathetically.

Kris reentered the living room, wiping his hands on a dishcloth. Susie shuffled down the length of the couch, causing her feet to poke off the end of it, and after tossing his dishcloth onto the coffee table, Kris sat down next to her.

“Thanks for the snacks, dude,” she said.

“No problem,” he said, smiling. “Maybe they’ll keep you out of the eggs, tonight.”

Susie dragged a hand across her face. “I _said_ I’d get you a new carton this Saturday…”

“Mm. We’re going to have to get you your _own_ carton, at this rate,” Kris said. He turned to Berdly. “How’d you like the movie?”

“Ehhh, you know, it was pretty good,” Berdly said thoughtfully, sitting up. He scowled. “I couldn’t _stand_ that dumb broad at the beginning, though.”

“Oh, _yeah_ ,” Susie chimed in with a chuckle. “What a dumbass.”

“Right?” Berdly rolled his eyes. “ _Oh_ , well. After they got over that hump, the rest of movie went fine. I liked the ending.”

He got to his feet with a stretch. “ _Well_ , I’m heading home. It’s getting late, and I’ve got stuff to do tomorrow. Essay to write, n’all that.”

Kris nodded. “Good luck,” he said.

“I’ll _need_ it,” Berdly grumbled. He smiled, regardless. “Anyways, thanks for having me. See you later.” With that, he disappeared through the front door, and Kris got up and locked it behind him.

He turned back and looked at Susie, who was still lying on the couch.

“Are you just going to sleep there, tonight?” he asked, smirking.

Susie grinned. “Who knows?” she said, letting out a low, dry chuckle.

Kris hummed. After a moment’s pause, he walked into the kitchen and entered a door on its right side. “Good night. I hope you sleep better tonight.”

“Thanks. ‘Night,” Susie said with a yawn. Kris shut his door behind him.

Susie sighed, smacked her lips, and curled up a little tighter. Too chilly. There weren’t any blankets out here, and the lights were still on, too. Try as she might, Susie just couldn’t get totally comfortable. She should really just get up and go to her bed. 

But even as she thought that, Susie curled up even tighter, squeezed her eyes shut against the light, and tried to make it work. Getting up was too much work right now. She’d go in a few minutes.

~~~

Susie wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She hadn’t quite been asleep, and she hadn’t been _awake_ , either. But her phone gave her that final push into being _fully_ awake, and with a considerable amount of effort, Susie managed to sit up.

She forced herself to her feet and made her way across the apartment, shutting off the lights as she went. She reached her room, changed quickly into a t-shirt and shorts, and got into bed, sinking into the mattress blissfully.

But as she drifted off into unconsciousness, she remembered the reason why she’d managed to get up in the first place. Crawling to the edge of her bed, she grabbed her jeans from where she’d tossed them onto the floor and extracted her phone from their rightmost pocket. The screen’s harsh light burned her eyes.

_Berdly [2:29 a.m.]_

__

__

_Lmk if you ever want to talk about stuff, alright_

Susie shut her phone off and placed it on her nightstand. She closed her eyes and rolled over onto her side, facing the wall.

Don’t rest. Don’t stop. Don’t think.

Don’t do _anything_ that won’t be productive.

Just sleep.

~~~

_Look, Susie! A candy tree!_

__

_Hell yeah!_

_…_

_…damn, the last piece’s too high to reach._

_Worry not, Susie!_

_I have a ‘Special Transformation’ for times like this!_

_R-really!?_

_Watch, Team, and bear witness to my – ‘Stool Forme!!’_

_…all you did was put your hands on the ground._

_Hey, don’t act so jealous._

_Aaand…_

_Heheh, got it._

_Ooo, tell me what it tastes like!_

_Huh? You haven’t had it before?_

_Oh…I mean, I’ve always wondered what it’s like…_

_But I’m not allowed to pick it for myself…_

_…_

_Well, you tell me what it tastes like._

  
_You’re giving it to me…?_

_I thought you were hungry._

_…_

_…I, uh, changed my mind._

~~~

There was no jolt. There was no gasp, nor fanfare. Susie simply awoke, the world around her gently fading back into being, her eyes opening slowly to take it all in. She saw, of course, only the formless mass of her ceiling. She did not think. For once, her bedcovers actually felt warm, and full.

Then, she remembered her dream, and suddenly, her bedcovers felt a little _too_ warm. Susie sat up in bed, and pushed them off. Slowly, Susie’s dream came back to her, in that way that old memories tend to, piece by piece, one detail leading to the next, and to the next, until a tapestry is weaved of the world that once was. Lancer’s smile, Ralsei’s incredulity, Kris’ blank-faced stare. The reds, pinks, and purples of the trees. The feel of the fruit in her hand.

Susie raised her hand before her now, its outline clearly defined in the dark, dead-of-Winter light that seeped in from behind her window shades. She’d grown, since high school. Her hand was now bigger across from thumb to pinky than most dinner plates. And her claws, sharp and thick, extended even further beyond that.

She thought about the candy she’d taken from the tree. The one she’d given to Lancer.

In these monstrous hands, it had felt so small.

She stared up at the black, formless ceiling, and swallowed. Her mouth felt like sandpaper. She heard her window rattle, and through the gaps in the shades, saw that the first snowflakes were beginning to fall. She thought again of her dream – of Lancer on all fours, smiling widely like the doofus he was – and smiled faintly.

What had he said about the taste? That his teeth were rotting?

Something like that. Susie chuckled. Weird candy.

…Candy?

Fruit.

No, candy.

Was it…?

Susie couldn’t remember.

She

_felt_

__

__

_cold_

realized that her heart

had begun to beat very, very quickly.

She drew her legs up to her chin. She wrapped her arms around them and buried her head in her knees, her breath coming in short, shallow gasps.

Fruit. Or candy.

Which was it?

Kris would remember. Probably. But she couldn’t ask him.

_Hahaha!! Like my teeth are disintegrating!!_

Disintegrating. That was it.

But was it fruit or candy?.

Susie’s teeth hurt. She realized that she’d been clenching her jaw, grinding her teeth together so hard she could feel it in her skull.

_You’ll be okay._

Susie's body trembled.

_You’ll be okay._

Susie's heart shook.

_Just let it pass._

Susie's body trembled.

_It will pass, like always._

Susie's eyes cried.

_Let it pass._

Susie's body trembled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for uploading this chapter a day late X/ It's long, so I hope that makes up for it somewhat.
> 
> College is picking up again, which is kind of unfortunate. From here on out, I'm just going to commit to uploading one chapter on the weekends, minimum. I might upload extra chapters during the week, but those will just be occasional, when I feel like it. I don't want to make promises that I can't keep.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading <3


	8. Washing

Showers were good. Waking up in the morning was not.

Whenever Susie woke up, it always took her a solid twenty minutes to get out of bed. Any more than that and she’d risk tardiness at her classes, or waste time she could spend working on the weekends. And when the time did come for her to get up, her body always creaked and groaned like an old mannequin, its joints rusted from what felt like years of disuse.

Putting her slippers on (Susie didn’t think she’d ever start wearing slippers), Susie would shamble into the kitchen and get going on breakfast. Occasionally, Kris would leave behind some pancakes or eggs for her – leftovers from the meals he cooked for himself – but usually, Susie would eat dry cereal with milk, sometimes a few Pop Tarts or granola bars if she hadn’t snacked the night before. Every now and then, on the weekends, she’d toast waffles for herself. Today wasn’t a weekend, though.

After breakfast came a shower. The shower was good – it was the only time all day when Susie could just _be_ , and not worry about having to actually _do_ anything with herself. Today, she dumped her bowl into the sink as soon as she was done eating and went straight to the bathroom, locking the door behind her. She cranked up the water, turned on the fan, and disrobed as quickly as possible, grumbling when her claws snagged on the waistband of her jeans.

As soon as it was hot enough, Susie launched herself right under the showerhead. She exhaled deeply, her legs turning to jelly as she felt the water flow blissfully over her scales. She soaked in the heat for several minutes, losing track of time – and herself – and only when she began nodding off did she snap out of her trance and grab the soap.

She finished washing herself and leaned against the wall with a sigh. Any moment now, her phone’s alarm (had she remembered to set an alarm?) would go off, and she’d have to get going to class.

Susie reached for the shower's knob. As she did, her arm left the comfort of the water, and a chill blew over her scales. She hissed and very nearly retracted her arm back underneath the showerhead. Steeling her nerves, Susie advanced and gripped the knob.

But just as she was about to turn it, she remembered

_Berdly’s message_

the night before.

She grimaced, disgusted with herself, and looked down at her hand, clutching the knob.

Slowly, very slowly, she let go. Her alarm went off on the bathroom counter, and she ignored it.

Five more minutes wouldn’t kill her.

~~~

Susie locked the door to her apartment. Stepping out from underneath the porch, she started down the sidewalk to campus.

There was snow everywhere, but at last, the sky was clear. The Sun shone valiantly down onto the Earth, unable to overcome the chilly winter winds, but attempting to nonetheless. In this weather, Susie could at least let down her hood without freezing. Her hair, still slick from her shower, relished in the warmth of the sunlight.

She exhaled, smiling.

It was better today. The weather, and her.


	9. Memory of the Return, Lying

The weather had also been nice the second time her and Kris had gone to the Dark World.

Sunny, with just a hint of clouds overhead. Susie still remembered how warm it had felt – uncommonly warm for that time of fall. She’d almost been sad when she and Kris had reentered the school after their classes had all ended.

Of course, that sadness soon turned to nervousness when they’d reached the closet. 

Yet ultimately, it was still her who took the leap and went into the closet first. She’d entered, determined not to show her anxiety, and after Kris followed, she’d shut the door.

They’d wandered around for a little, feeling the walls, the shelves. With every passing moment, Susie’s heart had twisted up just a little more inside her, wondering when (she dared not think ‘if’) the Dark World would pull them back in.

As they wandered, she’d noticed that there was still a large sum of papers haphazardly strewn about on the floor of the closet. She’d kicked a bunch experimentally, garnering a laugh from Kris as they fluttered erratically off the ground. She’d laughed, too – it was something to break the tension. They’d kicked a few more around, together.

Then, it came. That feeling of weightlessness, of falling. That dull pressure, closing in on every side, as though your whole body was being squeezed through a tube the size of a paper towel roll but with walls like steel. The air got musty for a moment – then it thinned out. Susie felt lighter.

When she looked down, she was dressed in combat boots and a black jacket over a purple tank top. Bands encircled her arms at the shoulders and wrists, studded with metal spikes. And she felt a weight on her back – a great, two-handed battle-axe. She reached back to grip the handle, and her fingers fit into its contours perfectly.

She grinned and turned to Kris, and he smiled back, clad once again in his armor and scarf. And off they went, through the windswept plains of the Field of Hopes and Dreams, through the colorful bouquet of autumn that was the Scarlet Forest, right up to the entrance of Card Castle itself, where a pair of Rudinn stood guard.

‘Oh!!’ cried one, glimmering brightly. ‘It’s those guys!’

‘Those guys!!’ repeated the second, wiggling its tail. ‘The ones who kicked out our old boss!!!’

‘Uhhh…’ Susie cleared her throat. ‘Yup. That’s us. Can you, uh, go get your new boss for us?’

‘Gladly, scary woman!’ the first Rudinn said, saluting Susie. With that, the doors to Card Castle opened, and the two Rudinn disappeared inside.

‘Huh. Guess we’re like celebrities now, or something.’ Susie grinned toothily. ‘I could get used to _that!_ Right, Kris?’

Kris didn’t say anything. Susie looked over at him curiously and saw that his gaze was affixed firmly on the ground.

‘Hey, Kris? What’s up?’ she asked. ‘You, uh. Look like you’re gonna throw up.’

‘I’m worried…’ Kris said quietly.

Susie frowned nervously. She took a step back. ‘W-Well, if you’re gonna, just make sure you face the _other_ direction – ’

‘ _No_ , Susie,’ Kris groaned. ‘I’m worried about…about seeing Ralsei and Lancer again.’

Susie looked at him quizzically. ‘What? Why?’

Kris sighed and looked off to the side. ‘Lancer’s a king, now. He’ll be too busy to play with us. And Ralsei’s…’ Kris shook his head. ‘I’m being stupid. Forget it.’

Kris continued looking at the ground. Through the spaces in his hair, Susie could see his crimson red eyes, dull and flooded with anxiety.

She gulped.

_You’re supposed to be his friend. DO something, dammit._

Susie took a deep breath and wrapped an arm around Kris. His eyes widened.

‘I, uh…’ Susie cleared her throat. ‘I didn’t have any friends before I met you, Kris. And now we hang out all the time.’

Kris looked up at Susie, his expression attentive, but unreadable. Susie’s face felt hot.

“U-Um. I mean…’ She ground her teeth and looked off to the side, feeling her cheeks grow hot with embarrassment. ‘ _God_ – it’ll be _fine_ , dude!! Stop worrying! They’re our friends, and they won’t abandon us!’

Suddenly, she felt a pair of arms wrap around her midsection.

‘Thanks, Susie,’ Kris said quietly, his face buried in her shoulder. ‘I needed that.’

Susie’s heart felt like it was about to burst out of her chest. She patted Kris awkwardly on the head. ‘G-Good,’ she said dumbly.

‘Kris? Susie?’

Susie jumped. She looked up to see a pair of figures exiting Card Castle.

~~~

_Oh, I’m so proud of you, Susie! You’re finally opening up!_

_H-HEY!! I only did it ‘cause he felt bad, okay?! Don’t lump me in with the rest of you softies!_

_Susie! You’ve betrayed me!! I thought I was your favorite bad guy!!!_

_W-What? That was…a-anyways, you should know better, Lancer! Bad guys don’t give hugs!_

_Does that mean – Susie, are you officially a hero, now?!_

_It was pretty comfy. You should do that more often, Susie._

_A-ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP!! GOD!!!!_

~~~

She could see it now. Ralsei’s big, proud smile. Lancer’s excitement.

She could still feel it.

~~~

People say that time passes by faster the older you get. Susie didn’t think this was true. She thought, what _actually_ happens is, you get more memories, and because you can recall your first crush just as easily as you can yesterday’s breakfast, it feels like all those years have just flown on by like a fart in the wind. In reality, there are different pasts that exist, and up in your head, they’re all tangled together in a jungle of emotions and insecurities, traversable only to those who’ve lived in it for all their lives.

And that was _you_ , Susie thought. Only you could traverse your own mind and make any sense of it. You can just curl up, hold tight to yourself, and think about what used to be, and it’ll feel just like it did the first time. Under the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia, it might even feel better.

Susie did this sometimes. Sleep deprived and stricken with loneliness, she’d lie down on her bed in the middle of the afternoon, compelled by something both powerful and invisible to her. She’d shuffle quietly under the sheets and pull them up until the outside world was completely closed off. Until she was finally, completely alone.

Sometimes she thought about the adventures they’d had, in the Dark World or otherwise. And sometimes she’d think of new ones, imagining Lancer or Ralsei living at the apartment with her and Kris. She’d think of Lancer, how he would ask for help studying, and how she would always make time for him. She thought of Ralsei on dessert duty, baking all sorts of sweets for them, and wringing his hands nervously as the residents of the apartment tried them. She thought about taking all three of her friends to that gorge she’d found back in October, when she was bored and had gone wandering around in the forest behind their apartment. She thought about lying on the grass with them under the stars, talking about life, love, stress, setbacks.

Sometimes, she’d talk to them, whispering into the pillow, in their voices as well as hers, speaking so quietly that even she couldn’t hear it.

It was never enough.


	10. Numbing

_And I can’t think_

_But if the world stopped turning_

_Would you even know if I left_

_No, that isn’t it_

_No, that isn’t it_

_How can I reach you from so far away_

_Those memories we used to share_

_No, I won’t give up_

_No, I won’t give up_

_I keep holding on and I don’t know why_

_I don’t want to leave you behind_

_I love you, Susie!_

_I love you too_

_I love you all_

_But I can’t hear you anymore_

_You’re too far away_

_No, I won’t give up_

_No, I won’t give up_

_The world revolves_

_I can’t breathe_

_But still I clench my teeth_

_Harder and harder still_

_Because we made a promise_

_Do you remember?_

_The truth_

_The promise in our hearts_

_I remember_

_And I won’t ever forget_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

_I promise_

~~~

Today, Susie didn’t feel anything.


	11. Memory of the Afternoon, Forwards

From that point on, Susie and Kris went into the Dark World almost every day.

Susie wanted to forgo school altogether, but of course they couldn’t. It came to be that they would visit the Dark World every day of the week for an hour or two at a time, at the end of the school day. This was usually only enough time to catch up with their friends, or run around Card Castle.

But the weekends were a different story. Every Saturday, Susie and Kris would wake up early (well, not _too_ early) and sneak into the school to get in a full day of adventuring. These days were the best – they had all the time in the world to explore every nook and cranny of the kingdom and do whatever they wanted.

On one such day, they were taking a stroll through Scarlet Forest. The whole crew was there – Kris, Susie, Ralsei, Lancer. They’d stopped at the bake sale for some choco diamonds, and Lancer was currently stuffing his face full of them. Meanwhile, Susie was in the middle of lecturing Ralsei.

‘Look, dude, I know I mess with you a lot,’ she said. ‘Like, a _lot_ a lot. But seriously, you’ve gotta toughen up!’

‘I know, I know,’ Ralsei groaned. ‘But I want to be tough in the _right_ way. If being tough means being mean, then I’d rather be a pushover.’

‘ _Ah_ , come on,’ Susie said, rolling her eyes. ‘You don’t have to be mean to be tough!’

Ralsei deadpanned her.

Susie grinned sheepishly. ‘Uh…okay, maybe _I’m_ not the best example of that. But just look at Kris! Or Lancer! Both of them are _super_ tough!’

‘Ho ho!! That’s right!’ Lancer exclaimed. He wiggled his chocolate-stained fingers at Ralsei threateningly. ‘I’m the meanest green bean on the scene!!’

‘ _Hell_ yeah, you are!’ Susie said, patting Lancer on the head. He giggled.

‘Tough is… _kiiind_ of a strong word…’ Ralsei mumbled, eyeing Lancer’s fingers warily.

‘I think that Ralsei is perfect just the way he is,’ Kris interjected. He had been walking a few paces behind the group, and now, he walked up to rejoin them, wrapping an arm around Ralsei’s shoulders.

Ralsei jumped at Kris’ touch. ‘Oh! Um…t-thank you, Kris!’

‘Hey! Don’t leave me out of hug time!!’ Lancer said, leaping at Ralsei, arms (and choco-covered hands) outstretched.

‘H-Hey, wait!’ Ralsei cried, dodging Lancer’s advances. ‘You’re going to get chocolate on my robe!’

Unrelenting in his quest for hugs, Lancer chased Ralsei around for a bit, the latter protesting wildly. Susie laughed as the two ran in circles around her, and even Kris couldn’t help but chuckle at their antics.

~~~

Susie opened the door to the fridge and scanned the shelves. What to do, what to do…carrots…potatoes…maybe some garlic…?

Susie shrugged and grabbed all three. She’d decide which ones to use in a minute. Kicking the door shut behind her, Susie went back to the counter and dumped the ingredients onto the cutting board.

On the counter next to her, her phone blared 70s hard rock. The particular song that was playing was one she’d been listening to since early high school. Kris had actually introduced her to both the band and the genre, telling her that he thought she’d like them.

Of course, he’d been right on the money. Bobbing her head along with the song, Susie returned her attention to the cutting board and weighed her options.

Garlic was a must, probably. Potatoes were good, too. And she hated carrots, but they were supposed to be good for you…

Susie sighed and lined up the carrots to be cut. She ought to actually eat something decent for once.

Reaching into a nearby drawer, she extracted a knife. It was a big one – bigger than any of the others that it shared the drawer with. When her and Kris had moved into the apartment, they’d gotten an assortment of kitchenware together, and this was one of the few knives they’d found that was actually big enough for Susie to hold comfortably. Gripping it carefully, she placed her other hand atop the carrots and began chopping them up.

“What are you making?”

Susie turned to see Kris standing in the doorway to the kitchen. 

“Oh – ” Susie reached over and hit the ‘pause’ button on her phone. “Sorry, Kris. Didn’t think you were home.”

“I don’t mind,” he said. He walked up to the counter and pressed the ‘play’ button, resuming the music. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

Susie raised an eyebrow. “Uh…what?”

Kris looked up at her, brushing the hair out of his eyes. “Well, it’s just nice to see you up and doing something good for yourself. You’ve seemed down, lately.”

“O-Oh, yeah. I guess,” Susie said, averting her eyes. “I’m fine.”

Kris hummed thoughtfully, but didn’t press. Susie was glad. For once, she was actually in a pretty good mood, and she didn’t want to ruin that.

He looked down at the cutting board. “So, what are you cooking?”

“Lo mein,” she said. She grumbled and swept the freshly cut carrots to one side of the cutting board, eyeing them disdainfully. “Didn’t really want to put carrots in, but they’re supposed to be healthy, so…” She shrugged.

“If you don’t want them, don’t eat them,” Kris said. “We have other healthy vegetables.”

“Eh, they’re already cut,” Susie said, lining up the potatoes and poising the knife over them. She turned to Kris. “Anyway, do you want some when I’m done? I’ll probably – ” 

“Eyes on the knife,” Kris interjected.

“ _Dude –_ ” Susie grumbled, but obliged, turning her attention back to the cutting board. “I _got_ it.”

“Um…” Kris was looking up at Susie strangely. She could feel it. “Sorry,” he said, turning away. “I didn’t mean to – ”

“It’s fine,” Susie said quickly. “Anyways, I’ll probably have extra, so feel free to take some when I’m done.”

“Alright. Thanks.”

Kris spun on his heels and walked off. “Seriously, let me know if you want any cooking advice. I’m happy to help.”

“Thanks, but I’m good,” Susie said over her shoulder. “I wanna see if I can figure it out by myself.”

Kris hummed. “Alright.”

With that, he left. Susie turned the knife on its side and used the flat edge to crush a clove of garlic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray for double digits!! Always feels good when a story reaches that point. Also, we've reached 300 hits, which is even cooler!! Thank you all so much for reading, you're the best <3


	12. Memory of the Cracks, Backwards

There was one day, about a year after they’d discovered the Dark World, when Susie first realized that something strange was going on.

It had been like any other day, at first. Kris and Ralsei had been talking about using the Great Board to play a life-sized game of chess, and Susie and Lancer had agreed, on the condition that they got to destroy all of the captured pieces.

So they’d left Card Castle, which was where they always met up, and set out for the Great Board. But on the way there, Susie couldn’t help but notice that the Dark World was looking strangely _barren_. The only Rudinn she saw were the ones guarding the entrance of the castle. Both of the Scarlet Forest bake sale stands were unattended. And as they walked past, Susie didn’t even hear the squeaking of Malius, the hammer-headed smith who lived by the bake sales.

Susie might not have thought anything of it, except for the fact that Ralsei was clearly worried out of his mind. He’d been refusing to meet anyone’s eyes all day, and had barely said a word since they’d left the castle. Meanwhile, Kris and Lancer had been talking like there was no tomorrow.

Susie still remembered that early pang of anxiety, but so too did she remember feeling a certain sense of _responsibility_ – her friend was suffering, and she wanted to help them.

In time, they arrived at the Great Board. Susie scanned it carefully, searching for signs of Darkners.

‘Huh. I don’t see any Ponmen,’ she remarked.

‘Maybe they’re taking the day off,’ Kris said, shrugging.

‘Taking the day off? In my kingdom?!’ Lancer said, clapping his hands to his cheeks. ‘What dedication to self-care!! I’ll have to reward them later!’

Kris smiled and patted Lancer on the head. ‘Good idea. For now, let’s set up the game.’

‘Oh!! Sure thing!!’ he looked expectantly up at Susie. ‘And then tear it down again, like the villains we are!! Right, Susie?’

‘Huh? Oh, yeah, sure,’ Susie mumbled. She’d been looking at Ralsei, whose gaze was aimed squarely at his feet. ‘You guys go on ahead. I’ll catch up,’ she said.

‘Aww…’ Lancer tilted his head forlornly, but soon enough, his gleeful smile came back at full force. ‘Well, if you say so!’

With that, he ran off, and after nodding briefly in her direction, Kris followed. Susie eyed Kris curiously as he chased after Lancer, wondering if he really hadn’t caught on to Ralsei’s strange behavior. She’d always considered him to be more emotionally perceptive than she was.

Susie shook her head. It wasn’t a big deal. Maybe he just had a lot on his mind.

At least, that’s what she’d thought at the time.

Susie turned her attention back to Ralsei. He was watching Kris and Lancer, who were pushing around life-size statues of chess pieces into their proper places. He looked like he could’ve been a statue, himself. Susie cleared her throat and tapped him on the shoulder.

Ralsei jumped, his hands flying to the brim of his hat and straightening it rapidly. ‘Y-Yes?!’ He looked wildly up at Susie.

Susie blinked, taken aback, but then smirked and let out a low chuckle. ‘Man. And I thought _I_ was bad at hiding my feelings.’

‘I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Ralsei said quickly, turning pointedly away from Susie.

‘Yeah, you do,’ said Susie. ‘You’ve been sulking _all day_. And where are the rest of the Darkners?’

Ralsei pursed his lips and said nothing.

Susie frowned. ‘ _Hey –_ ’

She rested a hand on Ralsei's shoulder, walking around so that she was standing in front of him. He looked up at her, the surprise in his eyes only magnified by his comically large glasses.

‘We’re _friends_ , dude,’ Susie said. ‘If there’s something bothering you, I wanna know about it so I can help.’

Ralsei stared back silently for a moment. His lips trembled. His eyes swam.

Somewhere off in the distance, Lancer laughed at something that Kris had said.

Ralsei closed his eyes and looked away. “Susie…” He grabbed onto her wrist and squeezed it tightly. Susie remembered thinking that it felt like being hugged by a stuffed animal. 

‘…You’re right. There _is_ something that’s bothering me,’ Ralsei said carefully. ‘B-But I don’t want to talk about it right now.’

Susie’s heart twisted. ‘Ralsei – ”

‘Talking won’t help,’ he said firmly. ‘I-It’s not something that can be fixed. Right now, I just want to have fun with my friends. I-Is that okay?’

He looked up at her expectantly. Susie hummed and cast her gaze downward.

A moment later, she wrapped an arm around Ralsei’s neck and pulled him in for a noogie.

‘Dumbass!! Why didn’t you say so _earlier_ , goat boy?!’ Susie asked, loudly guffawing at Ralsei’s attempts to escape her grasp.

‘Ack! Susieeee!!’ He desperately tried to wriggle away, giggling madly all the while. ‘W-Watch the horns!’

After a few more seconds of torment, Susie released him. Ralsei readjusted his hat, still giggling, and Susie waited until he was done before continuing.

‘If all you wanna do is have fun, then that’s what we’ll do,’ she said. ‘But if you ever want my help, you gotta _tell_ me! Got it?’

Ralsei cleared his throat and gave Susie a nod and a smile. ‘G-Got it.’

Susie grinned. She called out to Kris and Lancer, and with that, she and Ralsei ran over to join them.

~~~

After that day, she never saw Lancer again.

~~~

Susie lay awake in bed for a moment, still lost in the afterglow of the dream. She shut her eyes tightly, and the image of Ralsei softly wrapping his paw around her wrist washed over her.  


Immediately, she

_let go of her wrist_

reopened her eyes.

She didn’t want to think about it.

Susie sat up straight and got out of bed. Without checking her clock, she knew that she’d have to leave soon to make it to class on time. Already dressed, she grabbed her knapsack and headed out.

Kris was eating lunch at the dining room table. Susie walked past him on her way to the door.

“Hey.”

Susie stuffed her oversized feet into a pair of shoes. “Yeah?” she said.

“I…um. Want to talk to you about something.”

Susie paused, her hand caught in the middle of reaching for the apartment door. She looked back at Kris. He wasn’t looking at her – instead, he was staring down at his lunch, a pristinely sliced ham sandwich. He’d only taken one bite out of it.

“Uh…alright,” Susie said, frowning. “Everything okay?”

“Yes,” Kris said. Then, he sighed and dropped his head. “Well, _no_ …no. I wanted to talk about _you_.”

“What?” Susie said, confused. She shook her head quickly. She didn’t want to think about it. “Well, I have to go to class now, so…maybe later.”

“I thought you didn’t have class on Wednesdays?”

Susie blinked. It was a Wednesday? “Oh. Oh, shit – ” Susie chuckled. “I forgot what day it was. That nap must’ve taken more outta me than I thought. Heh heh.”

“You forgot what _day_ it is?” Kris asked, turning to look at her. She didn't meet his gaze.

“Re- _lax_ , it’s no big deal,” she said. She opened up the door. “I’m just gonna go to campus anyways and work at the library for a bit. Maybe get a head start on some other stuff that’s due this week – ”

“Susie, _wait_.”

Susie

_snapped_

whirled around.

“ _What_. Do you _want?_ ” she spat.

Kris pursed his lips. Behind his bangs, Susie could see his eyes, crimson as they ever were, twisted and confused.

“I just want to talk,” he said quietly.

Susie exhaled shakily.

_We’re friends, dude._

She felt her hands tremble.

_If there’s something bothering you, I wanna know about it so I can help._

“Sorry,” she said quickly. “I-I’m – I’ll be back later.”

Susie shut the door without looking at Kris.

~~~

For the whole walk to the library, Susie tried to put the look on his face out of her mind.

She didn’t want to think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a slow burn so far, but from here on out, the pace of the story is going to start picking up. Thank you so much for reading my fic, you're all the best! <3
> 
> (You can follow me on Twitter @jordan_peloquin if you want to!!)


	13. Slipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> Before reading this chapter, please be aware that it contains themes of self-harm.

It was only one time. It barely even counted.

The night had been especially rough on her. Days of insomnia had left her tense and paranoid. She’d passed the point where she’d start nodding off in class, passed the point where it hurt to keep her eyes open. In her present state, Susie was little more than a robot, unable to do anything but walk and work and wait fruitlessly for sleep to take her.

The reason why Susie couldn’t sleep was because she was thinking. Thinking about class tomorrow. About the 65 she’d gotten on that test she’d studied so hard for. About how she’d forgotten to sweep the kitchen today and Kris had just gone and done it for her without saying anything. Again.

There she lay, wide-eyed and staring up at the ceiling, drowning herself.

Briefly, the ironic image of Lancer making a ‘peace’ sign while zooming by on his bicycle flashed through her mind. Susie chuckled with a throat lined with sandpaper.

More thoughts swam in and out. Ralsei, smiling warmly. Kris, laughing merrily at Lancer’s antics. Herself, having a villain pose-off with Lancer. Kris and Ralsei cooking together. Ralsei telling her that she was a good friend, such a good, good friend.

Then, quite suddenly, Susie realized that she was standing in the middle of her kitchen.

_Oh. I guess this is happening._

She turned around in a lazy circle, taking in the view at half past 3 a.m. The outline of the stovetop loomed to her left, the fridge equally imposing to her right. On the counter in front of her, the coffee filter’s green light blinked eerily. It hurt Susie’s eyes to look at, but she walked over to it anyways. 

It was strange. For days, she’d been unable to shake off her anxieties – her thoughts. But now, she was thinking of nothing at all.

Susie opened the drawer beneath the counter and grabbed the big knife that she cooked with. It fit her fingers perfectly.

After a moment’s contemplation, Susie began to drag the tip of the knife up and down the side of her left wrist. In the dark kitchen, illuminated solely by the ever-blinking coffee filter light, Susie caught only brief flashes of her instrument, wickedly sharp and intimately close to her. She felt it scrape up and down, bumping a little in the spaces between her scales.

She felt her wrist begin to sting, and just like that, Susie was weightless. She exhaled deeply, feeling every last inch of her breath leave her body. Suddenly, the knife was a paper toy in her hand, sharp but oh so very light. And she was floating in the clouds miles above her body, surrounded by millions of stars and the deep, oceanic blue of the night sky. Her apartment was nothing more than a distant smear below her, a speck on the massive grid of light and civilization that was the world.

She looked at the roof and wondered what she was doing down there.

~~~

She hadn’t drawn blood. And it was only the one time, she’d never done it again.

Only once. And no blood.

Barely even counted, really.


	14. Falling

Susie woke up around dinnertime.

Judging from how stiff her body felt, she guessed that she’d been napping for at least an hour. She rolled over and peeled her eyes open for just long enough to check her alarm clock.

Make that two hours.

She rolled onto her back, facing the plaster of the ceiling. Soon, her eyelids drooped shut again, and she exhaled heavily, sinking into the bedcovers that she hadn’t even bothered to pull over herself. They’d been feeling heavier, lately, so she no longer used them.

She had to get up. She had assignments due tonight. With considerable effort, she rose to a sitting position, her every joint groaning in protest. She swiveled to the edge of her bed and planted her feet down on the ground, her claws gripping the carpet tightly.

As soon as she stood up, the world swam dangerously around her. Letting out a small grunt, Susie fell back down onto the bed, gripping her desk for support. She inhaled deeply, bent over in the middle, and waited for the nausea to pass. When it did, she stood up once more, took two steps over to her desk, and flopped down into her chair, hearing it creak mournfully beneath her.

Susie pressed the power button and waited for her laptop to boot up. She leaned back in her seat, shutting her eyes. Outside the window, the wind, scathingly cold but deceptively soft, whistled past.

Susie’s eyes opened once more, and traced the plaster of the ceiling.

She was so fucking tired of this.

~~~

Kris and Susie stopped talking. This was entirely Susie’s doing – if anything, Kris had been trying to talk with her more and more. She hadn’t let him, though. Whenever it looked like he wanted to say something, Susie would leave, usually abruptly, and shut herself up in her room, where she’d work or sleep or simply lie in bed and do nothing at all.

It was all she could do. She knew that Kris wanted to talk about _her_ – about her behavior, maybe, or the fact that she wasn’t doing chores anymore. But talking about herself meant reliving the past, and that was too painful.

It was ironic. She’d done nothing _but_ relive the past, but now that someone else was in the picture, she wanted no part of it.

Maybe it was because her memories were getting closer and closer to the present. It was one thing, she reasoned, to lie in her bed and escape into all those happy dreams about past triumphs and good laughs, but eventually, it caught up with you. Not all friendships last, and not every fairytale has a happy ending.

Now, the only memory she had left was the last one that mattered. The day she couldn’t find Lancer. The day she said goodbye to Ralsei.

The day the Dark World closed for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be a biggie. After all of the buildup, I'm excited to post it!
> 
> Also, we're almost at 400 hits!! Thank you so much for reading - I appreciate your support more than you know <3


	15. Memory of the Splitting

One morning, one beautiful, beautiful Saturday morning, Susie and Kris walked down the bustling streets of Hometown together.

Susie had been looking forward to today. Kris had been busy with homework all week, so the two of them hadn’t been able to go to the Dark World since last Saturday. But now, all of his work was finally done, and that meant they could do whatever they wanted.

So, of course they were going to go to the Dark World. It was sunny out, Susie was walking down the street with her best friend in the whole world, and she was about to go hang out with all of her _other_ friends, too. Nothing was going to get her down.

Asgore rattled down the street in his old pickup truck, honking at them as he went by. Susie waved and caught a glimpse of his big, teddy-bear smile as he drove past. They kept walking, eventually passing by the skeleton brothers’ place. Sans waved at them from the porch, uttering an especially terrible pun. Susie laughed and flipped him off, eliciting a shrug and a wink in response.

Susie smirked. Sans was cool like that.

They continued walking, and after some time, Susie spared a glance for Kris. He’d hardly said anything all morning, and actually, he’d been distant all week – ever since they’d gone to the Dark World last weekend, now that she thought of it.

It kind of reminded her of when they’d first met – when he was all quiet and creepy. It was weird.

‘Hey, Kris,’ Susie said. ‘You okay, dude? You’re being awful quiet.’

He looked up quickly, his hair covering his eyes. He looked away. ‘I’m fine.’

Susie frowned ‘Okay…’

In due time, they arrived at the school. Susie sighed and crossed her arms resolutely.

‘ _So!_ ’ she said, grinning. ‘Whaddaya want to do today, Kris? Hang out at the castle? Chess at the Great Board?’

Kris chuckled, the faintest of smiles touching his lips.

Susie narrowed her eyes and leaned down so that she was face to face with her human friend, still grinning.

‘Hel- _looo_ ,” she said. ‘Hurry up and answer me. You know quiet people _piss me off_.’

Kris’ grin grew wider. ‘Or what?’

‘Or I’ll – I’ll – ’

Susie’s grin grew wider. She stretched up to her full height so that she was looking down at Kris, and grabbed the front of his shirt playfully. She parted her lips just enough to let her reptilian tongue snake out around her monstrously sharp teeth.

‘Or I’ll _bite your face off again_ ,’ she growled.

Kris merely narrowed his eyes in response. ‘Again? You never really got around to it the _first_ time.’

Susie’s composure broke. She slapped a hand over her eyes and laughed like a maniac, dropping Kris unceremoniously to the ground.

‘ _HAW HAW HAW!!_ ’ she guffawed, and through her bellows, she was happy to hear that Kris was laughing along, as well.

When the moment died down, Susie sighed and looked down at Kris affectionately. She ruffled his hair, and Kris pushed her hand away playfully.

‘That’ll never get old,’ she said with a grin. ‘Well – let’s go!’

Susie started up the front steps to the school, still smiling, and got halfway up before she realized she was making the trip alone.

‘Kris?’ She turned around. He was standing right where she’d left him, at the foot of the school.

Susie frowned, a knot of anxiety working its way into her stomach. ‘You coming?’

Kris wasn’t meeting her eyes. She still couldn’t see them, hidden behind his bangs – she could tell that he was purposely avoiding her gaze. And though he tried to hide his hands as well, she could tell that they were clenched into tight fists from the way his arms trembled.

This _really_ wasn’t like him.

‘Can we…’ Kris began. He gulped and tried again. ‘Can we maybe…hang out somewhere _else_ today…?’

Susie blinked. The Dark World was in the school. Where else would he want to go?

‘Well, I mean…’ Susie mumbled, suddenly feeling very embarrassed. ‘Our friends are all…in there…’ She pointed at the doors behind her, which stood at the top of the steps with an almost monolithic stature.

Kris followed her gesture and looked up at the school’s entrance. He bore no visible change in expression.

He looked back at Susie blankly.

‘Okay.’

~~~

No Ruddin in the Field.

No Rabbicks in the Forest.

No Ponmen on the Great Board.

Kris still hadn’t said a word.

~~~

‘Is anyone even home…?’ Susie grumbled. ‘ _HEY! IS ANYONE HOME?!_ ’

‘Susie,’ Kris said quietly, tapping her armor’s shoulderpiece. ‘Let’s – ’

‘We’re _not leaving_ , Kris,’ Susie growled. “ _HEY! RALSEI! LANCER! ANYBODY!!!_ ’

At last, a shadowy figure appeared at the top of the castle wall. Susie squinted, but was unable to make out who it was.

‘ _YO!_ ’ she shouted. ‘ _IT’S KRIS AND SUSIE!! OPEN UP!!!_ ’

The figure waited there for a moment, then disappeared. Susie crossed her arms and frowned.

‘Ralsei and Lancer are usually right here, waiting for us…’ Susie said thoughtfully. ‘Hey, Kris. You don’t think some villain took over the castle, do you?’

Kris shook his head.

Susie chuckled. ‘Yeah, probably not.’ She gripped the handle of her axe, grinning proudly as she did so. ‘Well, if there is, we’ll knock ‘em flat! And take their lunch money! Right?’

Before she heard him respond, the doors of Card Castle shuddered. They creaked on their hinges, and Susie watched in great anticipation as they opened further and further…

To reveal Ralsei, standing just inside the castle.

Susie let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. ‘Thank _God_ , dude. Where the hell _is_ everyone?’

Ralsei blinked. His eyes looked even bigger than normal.

‘…Susie?’ he said quietly.

‘Hey! Don’t dodge the question, goat boy,’ Susie retorted, walking up to him. ‘We didn’t see any Darkners _all_ the way from here to the field! What gives?’ She frowned and peered into the castle behind him. ‘And where’s Lancer?’

‘I didn’t think you’d…’ Ralsei gulped. ‘I…I didn’t think you’d come _back_.’

Susie

_‘s heart pounded_

laughed. Louder than she meant to.

‘What kinda crap is _that?!_ ’ she shouted, forcing a smile. ‘We’re _friends_ , aren’t we? Why the hell wouldn’t we come back?’

But Ralsei’s eyes, his gaping mouth, his utterly shocked expression melted Susie’s false enthusiasm away in an instant.

‘…R-Ralsei?’ Susie asked, the hush in her voice surprising even herself.

Ralsei blinked. He turned to Kris. ‘K-Kris, you didn’t _talk_ to her…?’

‘Didn’t talk to me about what?’ Susie asked quickly. She turned on Kris. ‘Kris, what’s going on?’

‘I…’ Ralsei mumbled. ‘I-I thought you would…’ Suddenly, he began to laugh, quietly and hopelessly, his body deflating beneath his robes. ‘H-Ha ha…’

‘W-Why are you laughing?!’ Susie cried, swiveling around to face Ralsei. Later, she would realize that she had grabbed the hilt of her axe, as though in defense.

‘A-Ah!’ Ralsei stepped back, falling onto the ground. ‘N-No, I’m n-not laughing at you!’ he cried. ‘I-I just…I-I don’t know what to…!’

Susie felt a hand grab her shoulder. Firmly.

‘Susie,’ Kris said, his voice deathly quiet. ‘Stop it.’

Susie tore herself away from Kris. ‘No! Something’s going on, and you guys know about it, and you _aren’t telling me!!_ Where’s Lancer?!’

Kris’ expression was blank as a chalkboard. Susie turned to Ralsei. Silent tears gushed down his cheeks as he huddled in a tight ball on the ground, clinging to the hem of his robe.

‘Where are the guards?!’ Susie shouted. ‘Where was that dumb smith guy, back in Scarlet Forest?! Where are the _rest_ of the Darkners? Why didn’t you want to – ’

Susie’s throat was closing up.

‘ – t-to _come_ today, they’re our friends, why didn’t you want to _come_ – ’

Susie’s chest heaved. This wasn’t something she’d ever felt before. She knew loneliness, from the time before she’d met Kris. She’d known crying, from when she was very, very young.

But this

cut far, far, deeper.

Susie fell to her knees. It felt like her stomach was trying to strangle itself. She held herself tightly, her breaths coming in short, shaky gasps, as Kris stood resolutely behind her, and Ralsei sobbed quietly before.

‘W-Where’s Lancer…?’

~~~

Ultimately, Kris and Ralsei convinced Susie to walk with them to the Fountain of Darkness. The _first_ Fountain of Darkness – the one in Ralsei’s home, Castle Town.

_I’ll explain everything when we get there_ , Ralsei had said. _So please, just…wait until then. Okay?_

Castle Town had always been barren, but now, the silence sent shivers up Susie’s spine. Worse still than the silence of the town was the silence shared between her, Kris, and Ralsei. Their soft footsteps echoed like thunderclaps across the abandoned plaza, but not a single word was spoken, and none could bear to look at one another.

After an eternity of crossing the town’s empty streets, they arrived at the clearing at the back of the town. Just beyond here was Ralsei’s castle, and beyond that, the Fountain.

Susie turned in a circle, taking in the courtyard. It was nostalgic, in a way – the three Heroes of Prophecy, back again in the place where it all started.

‘Man, this brings back memories,’ Susie remarked.

‘Yeah,’ Ralsei said. He crossed the clearing and fiddled with the doors of the castle, trying to open them.

The faintest of smiles touched Kris’ lips. ‘I seem to recall that you wanted nothing to do with Ralsei when you first met him, Susie.’

Across the clearing, Ralsei shot Susie a knowing smile over his shoulder.

“Wh – _oh_ , come on, that was just…’ Susie rolled her eyes and looked off to the side. ‘That was a long time ago.’

‘It’s been about a year, right?’ Ralsei said. ‘Wow. Time really does fly when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?’

Kris nodded in affirmation. Ralsei fiddled with the doors a bit more, and a moment later, they emitted a loud _clunk_.

‘There we go,’ Ralsei said. He took a deep breath. ‘Alright. Come here, Susie.’

Susie frowned and approached Ralsei cautiously. ‘Uhh…okay?’ she said.

‘Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad,’ Ralsei said. ‘Just…this’ll help to explain what’s been going on. Walk through the door.’

Ralsei opened the door for Susie. On the other side, she could see the Fountain of Darkness a good thirty meters away, spewing endlessly and silently into the sky.

‘Huh. So it’s _in_ the castle, not behind it…’ Susie remarked. She walked through the door, and

did a double-take.

‘Wait. What the…?’

She spun around and exited the castle. She looked up at it, at its tall spires and its imposing walls. In all its castle-y glory.

Susie gave Ralsei a confused look. He smiled sheepishly. She rushed back through the door, into where the castle should have been.

But there was nothing. No rugs, no tapestries, no walls or rooms. Beyond the entryway of Ralsei’s castle was nothing more than a flat expanse of cobblestone that led up to the Fountain of Darkness. It was as though the castle itself was nothing more than a massive, cardboard cutout of one.

_And yet…_

Susie ran back into the clearing. It looked _different_ from this side. From this side, it truly did look like a castle – Susie could see depth, shadow on stone, things that she shouldn’t have been able to see if the castle was flat. Depending on what side of the doors Susie stood on, the castle took on a different appearance, seemingly melting in and out of existence.

Susie looked at Ralsei, utterly dumbfounded. ‘What the _fuck_.’

At that, Ralsei laughed, his hat bobbing playfully atop his horns.

‘That’s about the reaction I expected,’ Kris said, smirking.

Susie whirled on Kris. ‘W-Wha – I mean, what the _fuck?!_ Where’s the castle? Why’s there just empty space and a Fountain on the other side?’

Kris’s laughter broke off, and his mouth pulled into a tight line. ‘Ralsei. Can you explain?’

Ralsei’s smiled sadly. ‘Y-Yes. Susie, when you and Kris first came to the Dark World, all I told you was that this was my castle.’

Susie nodded. ‘Okay…’

Ralsei twiddled his fingers together. ‘Well, um…we never actually got to go _into_ my castle. T-There was never any _need_ to, you see, because we only had to close the _second_ Dark Fountain. The one that sprung up at Card Castle. So we never went into mine.’

‘Okay,’ Susie said, nodding again. ‘I, uh. I don’t think I follow.’

Ralsei sighed. ‘Susie. You and Kris, the _Lightners_ , never went into my castle. So it doesn’t exist.’

Susie

_didn’t_

_want_

_to think about it._

pointed up at the castle.

‘But it _does_ exist,’ she said.

‘No. Well – only on this side,’ Ralsei said. ‘Because that was the only side you ever saw it from.’

Susie’s heart raced. She swallowed, her throat dry as sandpaper, and briefly thought that she’d _kill_ for a cup of water right about now. ‘Ralsei, it’s _right the fuck there_. You can’t tell me that it _doesn’t exist_.’

‘ _No_ , it – ’ Ralsei sighed. ‘All you needed was to know that there was a castle, and I was its Prince, and _beyond_ the castle was the Fountain of Darkness. So that’s all there is.’

‘ _Ralsei_ – ’ Susie shook her head and stomped through the doors again. ‘Well, we’re here _now!_ The Lightner Heroes from your damn Prophecy are _here!_ Why isn’t there a castle _now?!_ ’

‘That’s because…’ Ralsei hung his head, and his hat drooped over, hiding his expression. ‘That’s because it’s all falling apart.’

Susie’s throat closed up. ‘W-What?’ Her voice cracked, reaching an uncharacteristically high pitch. If Lancer were here, he would’ve made a joke about it. If Kris wasn’t staring at her so blankly, he would’ve chuckled. 

‘What the hell is – what does _that_ mean?’ Susie asked. ‘ _What’s falling apart?_ ’

Ralsei was silent for a moment.

‘Everything,’ he said quietly, his voice soft as falling feathers. ‘The Prophecy. The Dark World. Us.’

Susie looked at Kris helplessly. He met her gaze evenly, emotionlessly.

‘Come on, already,’ Kris said simply. ‘Let’s just go.’

‘What? I-I – ’ Susie stammered. Her body trembled, and her tears resurfaced. ‘K-Kris – ’

‘Shadow can’t exist without light. Fairytales can’t exist without someone to tell them,’ Kris continued, and for the first time, his face was touched by a hint of sympathy. ‘And fairytales…they _end_ , Susie.’

‘Kris, what are you – ’

Suddenly, Kris scowled, placing a hand to his face and shaking his head frustratedly.

‘Come _on_ , dude. This is stupid,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to play anymore. Let’s go hang out somewhere _else_ – ’

_N_

_O_

_!!! _”__

Kris 

Ralsei 

Lancer 

Susie 

was 

hurt 

feel 

very 

very 

not 

like 

this 

and 

she fell to 

her 

knees. 

. 

. 

. 

It was not unlike drowning. 

Susie’s breaths came in short, staccato gasps, her chest heaving in and out painfully quickly, and yet it never felt like there was enough air in her lungs. And her claws clutched at her body desperately, holding her legs, her arms close to her, but they were still too far. She didn’t feel her palms squeeze her biceps, didn’t feel the scratches she was carving into her own scales. All at once, everything was too close and too far away, too disparate and too tight. 

_They’re real_ , was all she could say to herself, in soft whispers. _They’re real._

Her senses were hyper-aware, zeroing in on anything and everything around her. She heard footsteps, saw Kris’ sneakers step into her view. She buried her face into her arms, hiding them from view. She didn’t want to look at him. 

‘ _I’ll wait for you at the front of the school, okay?_ ’ Kris said, his voice thrumming as if they were underwater. ‘ _We’ll find something else to do_.’ 

__She heard him walk past her, and then she heard nothing. With all her strength, she looked up from her arms and turned._ _

__Kris now stood beside Ralsei, a few paces behind her. After pondering the Prince of Darkness for a moment or two, he stepped forward and hugged him warmly. Ralsei returned in kind, squeezing Kris tightly._ _

__After a moment, he pulled away, and Kris looked down at the little prince with a sad expression._ _

‘ _I’m sorry it ended like this_ ,’ he said quietly. 

‘ _It’s okay_ ,’ said Ralsei, sniffling. ‘ _Say hi to – w-well, you know_.’ Ralsei smiled sheepishly. 

__Kris smiled back. With that, he turned on his heel and strode off into the Fountain without looking back. A moment later, the Fountain swallowed him up and he disappeared entirely._ _

__And with that, it was just Susie and Ralsei, alone in a dying world._ _

__Susie let go of herself, realizing that whatever it was that had consumed her (she would later learn, while surfing the web, that it was called a panic attack) had passed. She got to her feet, her joints creaking and groaning as she stretched them out again. She might have been on the floor for hours from how stiff everything felt._ _

__Her eyes met Ralsei’s._ _

‘Ralsei,’ she said quietly, her voice hoarse. ‘Please just tell me _why_.’ 

__The brim of Ralsei’s hat drooped over his face, hiding it from Susie’s view._ _

‘You _know_ why,’ he said quietly. ‘You’re changing. You and Kris both. You’re growing up.’ 

‘What has _that_ got to do with it?’ Susie asked. 

‘I-I don’t _know!_ ’ Ralsei pleaded. He hugged himself tightly, as though trying to shield himself from her words. ‘I don’t know. I don’t even know how _I_ know. I just…know.’ 

Susie’s hand fell. The words _real_ , _fake_ , _friend_ , and a million others all died on her throat at once. Suddenly, she couldn’t bring herself to look at Ralsei, and she cast her gaze down to the cobblestone. 

__Slowly, her eyes rose to meet the Fountain._ _

__‘Then…’_ _

__Ralsei looked up at her._ _

__‘I guess…this is it?’_ _

__Ralsei gulped. He sniffled quietly._ _

__Susie scoffed._ _

__‘…jeez,’ she said, chuckling dryly. She wiped her cheeks and felt only the stains of tears already cried. She looked over at Ralsei and grinned. ‘This sucks, huh?’_ _

__‘Yeah,’ said Ralsei, chuckling. He dragged a sleeve of his robe across his face._ _

__Susie chuckled weakly, shaking her head. ‘Ha ha…’_ _

__And Susie sighed, and closed her heart._ _

__‘…I won’t accept it.’_ _

__Ralsei deflated. He looked up at Susie again, sad and tired. ‘Susie – ’_ _

__‘No,’ Susie growled. ‘I CAN’T accept it. Before I met you guys, I thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life, and…’_ _

__Susie clenched her fists. She walked over to Ralsei and pulled him close._ _

__‘And I’m not gonna give up on something like that so easily.’_ _

__Ralsei buried his face into her shoulder and cried._ _

__‘I’ll come back,’ she said quietly, gritting her teeth. ‘Understand? No matter what it takes, no matter how long we have to wait. I’ll come back.’_ _

__She pulled away and looked him in the eyes._ _

__‘Okay?’_ _

__The faintest smile, at last, touched Ralsei’s lips. He nodded, wiping the tears from his cheeks. ‘Y-Yeah.’_ _

__Susie smiled. She hugged him one last time, and the feeling of his soft fur beneath her arms became a memory that would haunt her for years thereafter._ _

__And with that, she made for the Dark Fountain._ _

__Poised to step through and return to the school, she looked back one last time. There he was, the Prince of Darkness, standing right where he was when they’d first met. He waved at her, smiling fondly._ _

__Susie smiled._ _

__‘I promise.’_ _

__

__~~~_ _

__

__She’d tried. Oh, how she’d tried. She’d gone into the closet every day for weeks, alone. She’d turned off the lights. She’d arranged the board, and the toys, and she’d held the cards in her hands. She’d closed her eyes, concentrated, tried everything she could think of to go back._ _

__But the magic was gone. Susie and Kris were growing up, and the Dark World as she knew it no longer existed._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading the story up until this point!! I've been building up to this chapter for a while, and I hope that you all liked it!
> 
> But, my God, I am so so SO glad that the slow burn is finally over XD It was good to write at the time, but after two whole months of it, I'm more than ready to move on. The story will be moving pretty quickly towards its climax from here on out, which I'm VERY excited for. (I hope it doesn't cause too much pacing whiplash...)
> 
> Thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart. Stay safe and have a great week!!


	16. Running

Susie shuffled up the last few steps to her apartment as the Sun glared overhead. She hadn't been able to sleep the night prior, so she’d been in the library doing work since around 6 a.m. It was close to noon now.

She turned the key, opened the door to her apartment, stepped inside…

…and was greeted by Berdly’s disapproving beak.

Susie blinked. She looked over his shoulder to see Kris standing behind him. When she tried to meet his eyes, he looked away.

Her gaze flitted back and forth between the two of them.

“It’s…not movie night,” she said dumbly.

“Good observation,” Berdly said in a flat tone. “What day _is_ it, Susie?”

Susie’s mind raced. “Uh…Wednesday?”

Berdly nodded, narrowing his eyes. “Very good. Your mind hasn’t _completely_ gone down the shitter, then.”

Kris nudged Berdly from behind. “Be nice.”

Susie looked at Kris suspiciously. “Kris…what _is_ this?”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I tried to talk to you one-on-one – ”

“Well, that didn’t _work_ , did it?” Berdly snapped. He sighed, exasperated, and turned his attention back to Susie. “Look, Susie, we _know_ that something’s bothering you. All we want to do is _talk_.”

Susie swallowed. “I-I, uh…I don’t wanna talk,” she said quickly.

“I think you should,” Kris said. “You’ve…I think you’ve been in a really bad place all semester. And I don’t think dealing with it alone is a good idea.”

“Kris told me what’s been going on with you,” Berdly explained. “How many _eggs_ you eat, how you can’t _sleep_ at night – how he never sees you do anything but _homework_ anymore – ”

“I – Kris, why’d you tell _Berdly_ all of that?” Susie said, glaring at Kris.

“I-I…” Kris’ eyes widened in disbelief, and a little bit of exasperation, too. “He’s our _friend_ , Susie. I didn’t know what to do. You wouldn’t _talk_ to me.”

“Oh my _God_ ,” Susie growled. She did _not_ need this right now. She pushed past the two of them and made for the kitchen.

“Wh – _Hey!_ ” Berdly shouted. He and Kris followed her to the kitchen, stopping in the doorway “D-Don’t – what’s _with_ you, dude?!”

_Dude._

Dude.

Berdly, calling her dude.

At that word, in that moment, something inside Susie that had been bending for months or perhaps years finally, blissfully, snapped.

“Don’t call me _dude!_ ” she shouted, whirling around. “You were a loser in high school, and you’re a loser _now_ , so just stay the _fuck_ away from me.”

Berdly took a step back, startled.

“ _Susie_ ,” Kris said hushed, firmly. He stepped forward.

“Don’t even _start_ , Kris,” Susie growled, her rage affixing on a new target. “ _You_ were ready to leave it all behind. Find a new set of _toys_ to play with, right?”

Kris looked up at her helplessly. “What are you _talking_ abo – ”

“ _You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about, you FUCK!!_ ” Susie shouted, stomping forward. She felt the floorboards shake under her. Kris took a step back, and she kept advancing. “ _Y-You – !!_ ”

Berdly jumped between them. He glared up at Susie, his beak gritted tightly, his breaths coming in short and shallow.

_God damn right you SHOULD be scared of me you wiry little PRICK_

“Du – Susie,” he said, his voice shaking. “Back off. He’s just trying to understand where you’re coming from – what you’re _going_ through. We’re _both_ trying to understand.”

“Oh, isn’t that fucking _rich_ ,” Susie said, cackling. “ _Now_ he wants to understand. Now that _he’s_ gotten his life together, now he can spare a single _thought_ about me.” She glared at Kris, her eyes stinging from she didn’t know what. “If you didn’t need me anymore, you’d abandon me just like you abandoned everyone else. _Admit it._ ”

At last, recognition dawned on Kris’ face. His mouth parted just a bit, and his face

_twisted_

contorted into an emotion that might have been pain, bewilderment, sorrow, or something in the middle.

“S-Susie…” he choked, the words barely forming, a single tear trailing down his cheek. “I…I didn’t – I-I didn’t know you were still…”

It occurred to Susie that this was perhaps the first time she had ever seen Kris cry.

_Am I crying, too?_

Susie averted her gaze. She retreated to the back of the kitchen, and then to her room, where she threw her bag onto her bed with enough force for it to bounce off and slam into the wall, scattering books and pencils everywhere. 

_Guess I forgot to zip it shut before I left the library_

She stood still for a moment, and then, without even really thinking, grabbed her wallet from her nightstand and left.

She returned to the kitchen to see Berdly and Kris, still standing in the doorway. Berdly was saying something to Kris, who was staring blankly down at the floor, his normally intense, crimson eyes now soft and swimming with tears.

But the tears were four years too late.

“You know what? Fuck this,” Susie said, announcing her presence. “I don’t need this. I’m going back to Hometown. Right now.”

Berdly looked up. “What?” he said. “Why do you want to – do you even have a _car?_ ”

“I’ll find one,” Susie growled. She stepped closer, until she was looming over the two of them. “Now get out of my way, unless you’d like to lose your faces. And don’t think I’m kidding, ‘cause I’m _not_.”

Berdly stared up at her for a minute, sweating bullets. Kris was still looking at the floor.

After a moment, Berdly stepped back, pulling Kris aside with him.

Susie glared at Berdly.

_God, he’s pathetic_

“Yeah. That’s what I thought,” she said.

She walked past her friends and didn’t look back.


	17. Blinding

“Next.”

Susie stepped forward and put her debit card on the counter. “I wanna rent a car.”

The monster who was working the register picked her card up with a lump-covered tentacle. One of his many eyes squinted down at it.

“This’s _debit_ ,” he said. “Our machines only accept credit.”

Susie grabbed her card back, flashing a grin at the monster. “Well, do they accept _cash?_ ”

The monster looked up at Susie blankly. “Uhh…yes?”

“There’s an ATM outside,” she said. “I’ll get money from there. Now - ” Susie placed her hands on the counter, scraping her claws threateningly against its surface. She leaned forward, widening her grin to show off her yellow, inch-long teeth. “I want. To rent. _A car._ ”

The conversation paused for a moment as the monster looked Susie over, sizing her up.

“Okay,” he said at last. “Why don’t we go out and take a look?”

“Anyone’ll do,” Susie said. She looked out the window to her left and saw the headlights of an average looking minivan staring her down. “That one looks good. How much?”

“How long do you need it for?” the monster asked.

“Just a day,” she said. “I’ll get it back to you tomorrow. Okay?”

“Are you, uh…in some kind of _trouble_ , miss?”

“I _just –_ ”

Susie stopped herself. She took a deep breath, barely managing to contain the outburst that was boiling within her.

“I need to visit home,” she said quietly. “My friends are there, and they need my help.”

The monster leaned back in his chair. “Do you live in the area?”

“I – Yeah,” Susie said, huffing. “I’m a student. Can I _please_ get the car now?”

The monster huffed. “Alright.” His tentacles curled into one of the many desk drawers behind the counter and began rummaging. “Gimme a sec to get the keys,” he said.

“Thank you,” Susie said. She whirled around and made for the ATM.

~~~

“Take care of yourself,” the monster said.

“Yup,” Susie said, turning the key in the ignition.

Without looking back, she rolled up the window and took off.

~~~

Trees whipped past by the dozen, leaving brownish-green smears at the edges of Susie’s vision. She’d been driving for an hour – maybe longer. Time had lost all meaning for her. The world had narrowed down to the windshield of the car, Susie’s claws on the steering wheel, and the horizon that the highway was leading her to, an infinitely small pinprick at the edge of the world.

The engine roared like a rampaging beast as Susie pushed it harder and harder. It groaned and once again emitted that sharp, dangerous _ka-chunk_ that Susie had first heard a dozen or so miles back and which the engine was now emitting with increasing regularity. Susie paid it no heed – indeed, she barely registered that there was a sound at all, for at this moment, all she cared about was getting back to Hometown as fast as humanely possible.

Barely anyone else was on the highway, and she was avoiding the ones that were. She gritted her teeth, pressing down harder on the accelerator. The engine rumbled and groaned beneath her.

Susie’s eyes stung – from fatigue? From sorrow? Maybe from both. She forced them open, and as she did, the road before her grew hazier and hazier. Her vision swam with memories long dead, with tears that had already been cried a hundred times over.

_I’ll come back to where you are._

_I promise._

Susie floored the accelerator, screaming.


	18. Sleeping

It was evening by the time Susie reached Hometown. Long shadows stretched across the road as she rumbled down it, passing through the large, cast-iron gate at the north end of the town.

Afterwards, Susie stopped to let a car turn in front of her, and in a sudden lightning bolt of realization, saw that it was Toriel. Susie blinked dumbly as Kris’ mother passed her, waving vaguely through the windshield in thanks, and pulled into her driveway, all in the span of just a few seconds.

Susie drove past, making a conscious effort to keep her eyes on the road. She readjusted her grip on the steering wheel and gulped.

Why did seeing Toriel make her feel so anxious? It wasn’t like she was trespassing.

Well, not yet.

Susie shook her head and continued. She was not longer speeding, but still, the sights around her blurred at the peripheries of her vision. She passed Bratty’s place on her left, then the skeletons’ place…then the Librarby…

And then she was there. The black doors of the schoolhouse, adorned with a symbol of wings and triangles, loomed monolithically around the corner.

It was the first time Susie had been to the school in three years. Even when she visited home from college, she couldn’t bring herself to look at the place, much less enter it. It was just too painful.

Now, Susie was beyond pain.

After parking haphazardly in the lot, she shoved the car door open with her shoulder. She stepped out, but soon stumbled and groaned, clutching her head in one hand and leaning on the car door with the other. She’d been driving for hours, and her legs and brain both felt like jelly.

She was exhausted. All around her, the trees bent and swayed, and the front doors of the school seemed to loom higher and higher overhead. Even the deep blue of the sky was adorned with stars that seemed to zip back and forth across Susie’s field of vision. The world around her tilted and tumbled in a malicious effort to throw Susie off her feet, to finally pull the rug out from under her.

The world was moving, and Susie was the only thing left that was standing still.

~~~

After regaining her senses, Susie walked up to the front of the school. Upon reaching the front doors, she pulled on them fruitlessly. Locked.

This was a new development, but not one that Susie couldn’t overcome. She held up her right hand and inserted her index finger’s claw into the keyhole. She shuffled it this way and that, scraping at the inside of the metal, swearing occasionally when her claw snagged.

It took a few minutes (it had been several years since Susie had attempted anything like this), but soon enough, a soft but sharp _clack_ emanated from the lock as the tumblers fell into their places. Susie retracted her finger, and with a quick pull, the doors of the school began to swing gently outward.

Inside lay a long hallway, and at the end of it, a door, beckoning Susie.

Her footsteps echoed loudly around the empty schoolhouse as she approached the door. It grew bigger and bigger until it seemed to fill every corner of her vision, yawning deeply and darkly before her.

Susie

blinked

and

looked

down

at

the

floor.

…

…

…

…She frowned.

…

…Why wasn’t her pulse racing?

Why wasn’t she sweating?

Why didn’t she feel excited?

Why didn’t she feel… _anything?_

Didn’t she care about seeing them again?

Of course.

Of course she cared.

But…

…

Susie turned the doorknob.

She pulled the closet open, and within, there was nothing but darkness.

Susie smiled. She chuckled softly, shaking her head.

Of course.

She walked into the closet, letting the door shut behind her. She tread evenly through it, weaving expertly around the various cleaning appliances that were strewn across the floor.

Three steps left. Now two. Now one.

Susie reached out into the darkness and grasped a doorknob. She turned it, pushed, and opened the way to the spare classroom.

She entered, made for the back wall, and without fumbling once, flicked on the light.

It pierced her to her core, and she inhaled sharply, momentarily blinded by the light. Soon enough, however, sight came back to her, and she looked out at the room.

Puzzle pieces. Building blocks. Boxed chess set. Closed cabinet.

She looked down and saw the field – or rather, the _rug_. She twisted her heel and heard the fabric shuffle and scrape underfoot.

Susie smiled, rubbing her stinging eyes absentmindedly.

Of course. Of course.

She spent some time exploring the room. Most of the stuff was still there, although a few items were missing. The playing cards were gone. Also, even though the chess board was there, it was missing a few pieces – a pawn, a rook, two knights.

Notably, Susie couldn’t find Seam anywhere. He’d been getting old anyway, so she suspected that someone had finally thrown him out.

Of course.

She sat down with her back to the wall. The pile of toys and trinkets that she’d been inspecting now lay in a haphazard pile to her left. She looked at them fondly – briefly – and closed her eyes with a sigh.

Susie was tired.

Susie was so very, very tired.

Tired of thinking.

Tired of breathing.

And most of all, tired of pretending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would have liked to post the next chapter along with this one at the same time, but it's not ready yet...oh, well.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. It really does mean a lot to me <3


	19. I'm With You In

_I don’t know why._

_“What do you mean?”_

_It all just_

_just_

_I’m sorry. It’s hard to put into words._

_“It’s okay, Susie. Take your time.”_

_Thanks, Ralsei._

_It all just…it never changes. You know?_

_“Yeah.”_

_I._

_Some days, I wake up_

_I wake up and I just want to_

_destroy_

_everything around me_

_and also myself._

_I hate it all so much._

_Because it isn’t you._

_Or Lancer._

_Or the Dark World._

_“That’s…gosh, that’s…”_

_And, and then, on other days –_

_On other days I’d wake up and I’d feel nothing at all._

_And I’d be like that for a week, sometimes longer._

_And I’d say, ‘is it over? Am I better now?’_

_And maybe I’d feel better for a little while, but it would creep back. It always did._

_“I see.”_

_But the worst…_

_The worst was when I’d get better, right?_

_I’d go whole hours without thinking about you, or anything._

_“Right.”_

_And then, I’d realize that I’d just been –_

_Just been going on my way, not thinking about you._

_And instead of feeling relieved, I’d just_

_get so_

_so_

_anxious._

_Like, I would start hyperventilating, I’d shiver._

_“Oh, Susie…”_

_Because –_

_Because what if I was right?_

_What if I HAD forgotten you, just for a few hours?_

_“…”_

_I don’t want to forget you. But remembering you only causes me pain._

_Because I can never be with you again._

_What can I do with all of that?_

~~~ 

_Oh, whatever. I shouldn’t even be bothering you with all of this._

_“Think nothing of it, Susie! Villains forever, right?”_

_Heh._

_Hard to be the villain when you’re a king, Lancer._

_“I can walk and chew good guys at the same time!”_

_“And anyways, the fact is, you came all the way back here.”_

_“And, uh, made a coupla questionable decisions to do it.”_

_Ha ha…y-yeah. I guess so._

_“Well, if you’re that determined, whatever’s bothering you isn’t just gonna go away on its own.”_

_Yeah. It’s not._

_Shit, when did you get so mature?_

_“Running a kingdom for a few years’ll do that to you!”_

_“But enough about me.”_

_Yeah, yeah. I know. I._

_God, I hate this so much._

_“Hm?”_

_I hate it._

_I hate it I hate it I hate it._

_And he’s fine, he’s already moved on –_

_“Wait a tick. Who’s fine?”_

_Kris._

_“Oh, Kris.”_

_He was fine with it all, even back then._

_“Well, Kris was…hmm…”_

_“He may have been weird, and creepy, and kind of a freak…”_

_“But he was mature, in ways uncommon for boys his age.”_

_Yeah…_

_“Yeah. He just…”_

_“I guess he just knew it was time to move on.”_

_Yeah. I guess he did._

_God, he made it look so easy…_

_“It may not have been from his perspective.”_

_Huh?_

_“Different people handle trauma in different ways. For instance:”_

_“You get depressed about missing your friends. You clam up.”_

_“My Dad abused me, and I threw his sorry ass in the dungeon!!”_

_PFFT!! Haw haw haw!!_

_“With some help, of course.”_

_Heh. Yup._

_Villains for life._

_“Villains for life.”_

_“Anyways – you get depressed about missing your friends, yeah?”_

_Yeah. Well, uh…yeah._

_“Bit of an oversimplification, but we’ll go with that, yeah?”_

_Yeah._

_“Okay. So what do you do?”_

_I don’t understand the question._

_“Tell me how you’ve handled your mental illness.”_

_Oh. Uh…_

_I, uh…I’ve been doing a lot of work, mostly._

_“And is that unhealthy?”_

_Yeah._

_“Is it?”_

_Yeah…?_

_I mean, I have to do my work._

_It’s just, I’ve been doing work instead of thinking about how much I’ve been hurting._

_“So is working unhealthy?”_

_No, not really…I guess…_

_It’s more that I’ve been using work to avoid my real problems?_

_“Okay. What about sleeping?”_

_Ha. Imagine sleeping._

_“Susie.”_

_…sorry._

_“So, what about sleeping?”_

_I…haven’t been sleeping, really._

_I just take long naps when I’m tired._

_“And when are you tired?”_

_All the time._

~~~ 

_Talking to you makes it all easier to sort through._

_“That’s good.”_

_It’s just_

_I feel like I fucked up._

_“How do you mean?”_

_This whole time, I feel like I’ve been running from reality._

_From the reality that you and Lancer are separated from me forever._

_“I…hm.”_

_You don’t agree?_

_“You’ve been running, certainly.”_

_“But I think that – and please don’t take this the wrong way – ”_

_“I think that your view of reality is overly simplistic.”_

_How do you mean?_

_“Well…”_

_“Okay, let’s start with this:”_

_“What do you think Lancer and I are?”_

_…Heh._

_I tried talking to Kris about this once._

_“You did?”_

_Yeah. About a month after the Dark World closed for good._

_I showed up at his house at like 3 a.m. It was pouring._

_And I was freaking out, I was crying, and I kept asking him:_

_‘They were real, right? All of those things that we saw – all of our friends – ’_

_‘They were all real, right?’_

_“Were we?”_

_I don’t know._

_“But you’re talking to me right now.”_

_That’s because I’m dreaming._

_“Do you think that you’re dreaming?”_

_“Then try to wake up.”_

_…_

_…I don’t want to._

_“Then you’re running again.”_

~~~ 

_How could I be running if I want to stay here?_

_“He’s talking about reality.”_

_What?_

_“Ralsei thinks that you’re running from reality.”_

_That doesn’t answer my question._

_“What’s your question?”_

_Are you real?_

_“That’s not the question you should be asking.”_

_“The question you should be asking is – what is reality?”_

_Okay. What’s reality?_

_“I’m glad you asked, Susie!”_

_“Because the fact is this – reality is nothing more than your personal interpretation of the world around you.”_

_…Okay. THAT seems overly simplistic._

_“It’s not!”_

_But if reality is personal, how is there crossover?_

_“Come again?”_

_I mean, everyone still needs to eat, and breathe, and sleep._

_And make friends, and feel happy._

_“Sure.”_

_Okay. So all of those things are reality._

_“Sure!”_

_Then there’s only one reality! Everyone has to do those things!_

_“But you don’t have eat the same food as others. You don’t have to sleep the same. You don’t have to have the same friends.”_

_“And you don’t have to feel happy the way they feel happy.”_

_“And as a matter-of-fact, you shouldn’t!”_

_“Your reality is your own, and you should do what’s best for you with it.”_

_I should do…what’s best for me…_

_…with myself?_

_“Not just with yourself.”_

_“With your reality.”_

~~~ 

_“He’s saying that you should interpret reality in a way that’s helpful for you.”_

_But what if it’s wrong?_

_“It’s not.”_

_I’m worried that it will be wrong._

_That I’ll believe the wrong thing._

_“You won’t.”_

_But I might!_

_“But you shouldn’t worry about the possibility that you could be wrong.”_

_“Find a reality that is helpful for you. And then believe it with all of your heart.”_

_“And if you grow up and that reality turns out to be false – discard it. And believe in a new one.”_

_…_

_…Ralsei…_

_Are you real?_

_“Am I?”_

_Are…are you fake?_

_“Am I?”_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…You’re my friend._

_“Yes.”_

_“That is reality.”_

_“That is the truth.”_

_“That is the promise in our hearts.”_

~~~ 

Susie awoke in a blinding light. 

She blinked, covering her eyes with one hand. As she shifted about on the floor, her senses returned to her. Her bones ached from the position she had been sitting in, and she groaned, peeling away from the wall. Her back was incredibly sore. 

And yet, it didn’t bother her. It hurt, of course it did – but she’d been through worse. 

Susie chose to believe that she’d been through worse. 

“Susie?” 

She looked up, her eyes adjusting to the light, and the world came into view around her. Reality settled into place, and at its epicenter was a young man with brown, shoulder length hair and piercing red eyes. 

There were long tearstains on both his cheeks. 

Susie smiled softly. She got to her feet. “Hey, Kris.” 

Kris emitted a shaky sigh. He hung his head, appearing to shrink a whole foot. “You left your phone at the apartment.” 

“Shit, really?” Susie chuckled quietly. “Geez.” 

“I knew you’d be here,” Kris said. “L-Look, Susie – ” 

Before he could finish, Susie wrapped him in a tight hug. She pulled him close, burying her face into his hair, and squeezed Kris tightly. His chest rose and fell with hers, his heart beating surely and soundly along with Susie’s own. He was so small in that moment – so fragile. 

Susie placed one hand on the back of his head and patted him softly. 

And the ever enigmatic Kris, the weird kid that nobody ever talked to, the only human in all of Hometown, began to cry. 

And for once, Susie didn’t shed a single tear. 

“Sorry for all the trouble,” she said with a soft smile. “It’s finally over.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter felt good to write. I've been waiting a long time for Susie to pull herself up, and I think she's finally done it.
> 
> As for me, life has been difficult, lately. I recently graduated from college and am currently looking for a job. There a couple of things I've got in the works right now that may or may not pan out, but regardless, it's been stressful and a little turbulent.
> 
> Through all of that, writing has also been difficult, not because I am unable to write, but because I've found it hard to plan ahead. Normally, I'd be writing several chapters ahead of schedule (this gives me time to reflect on earlier work, edit it with the context of the chapters that come after it, etc.), but this chapter itself is the latest one that I've written. The next arc of the story is especially critical because it is the final one, and if I were to continue the fic in its current state - well, I wouldn't be making up the ending as I go, but it would certainly be a lot looser than I'd like for it to be.
> 
> So I'm going to be taking a short break from writing the fic. It'll be two weeks at the minimum, meaning that the soonest the next chapter could get uploaded will be two weekends from now (either June 6th or 7th). If a chapter doesn't get uploaded at that time, I will instead edit this note with an update on my situation.
> 
> I'm very sorry to do this to you all, but it's for the sake of the story as well as myself. You've faithfully read and supported the story up until this point, and you deserve the best possible ending. I want to do my best to give you that ending.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading - I'll see you in two weeks!
> 
> 6/8/20 EDIT (It's a couple of hours late, I apologize):
> 
> I thought that taking a break from the story would help - and it did, a little. But it's not enough yet. Please give me more time.
> 
> I'll update you again on the 28th. Sorry for the trouble.
> 
> 6/28/20 EDIT:
> 
> Hello, everyone! Things have been going better for me, recently, and I have two pieces of good news to share:
> 
> 1 - I started a webcomic!! I've been preparing it for over a year, and now it's finally getting uploaded to Webtoons. I'm very excited (and nervous) about it, so if you're interested, you can read the first chapter with the link below:
> 
> https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/desert-story/chapter-0-non-canon/viewer?title_no=466398&episode_no=1
> 
> 2 - I started writing chapters for The Dark again! Once I get more done, I'll start editing and uploading them.
> 
> I'm sorry that you've had to wait this long, but I don't think it'll be much longer. I'll update you again on July 12th - thank you so much for being patient with me.


	20. You Can Always Come Home (To Me)

Kris looked up, eyes still glistening. “What do you mean, ‘over?’”

“I’m just – I’m better now. I think. Um…” Suddenly embarrassed, Susie let go of Kris and looked around the room awkwardly. “W-We should probably get out of here. I kinda broke in.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Kris chuckled, wiping his face on his sleeve. “I didn’t think you knew how to do that anymore.”

“Me either,” Susie said. She led the way out of the spare room, closing the door behind Kris.

Susie and Kris made their way back down the hall to the front of the school. As they did, Susie snuck a look down at Kris. Long shadows stretched across his face, but in the occasional strand of moonlight that beamed through the windows, she could see that he’d stopped crying and was fixing his stare straight ahead. He seemed calmer than before, which was a relief.

When they reached the front doors, Susie held them open for Kris, letting him go through first. He did, walking out onto the front steps of the school, and Susie heard him shiver behind her as she carefully relocked and shut the doors.

“When was the last time you picked a lock?” Kris asked. “It must have been high school.”

“Nah, I broke into an old closet somewhere on campus back in freshman year,” Susie said. “That was the last time.”

“Why?” Kris asked.

“Just curious to see what was in it,” Susie said, walking down the steps to stand by Kris. “Hey, how did you get here?”

“I took the bus,” Kris replied. He pointed across the lot at the only car in the parking lot – Susie’s minivan. “Is that your car?”

“Yeah, I rented it,” Susie said. Their plight hitting her at last, Susie deflated, losing a whole foot of height. “ _Fuck_ , we’ve got a long drive back.”

“We can crash at my place,” Kris said.

Susie gave Kris a worried look. “Uh. Will your mom appreciate that?”

“She’s fine. She – already knows.” Kris scratched the back of his neck, the implication of his statement hanging ominously in the air.

“What…does _that_ mean?” Susie asked incredulously.

“I just told her earlier that we’d be visiting Hometown and asked if we could spend the night at her place,” Kris replied. “She said it was okay.”

“Oh. I…Wow.” Susie sighed. “I _really_ don’t deserve you, Kris. Thanks. Seriously.”

“It’s no problem,” Kris said. “Let’s get going.”

Susie nodded and led the way to the car.

~~~

Susie stepped into the house behind Kris, making sure to take her shoes off at the door. She shut the door behind her and followed Kris into the kitchen.

“Are you hungry?” he asked, opening up the fridge and leaning in.

“Yeah, actually,” Susie said. “What do you got?”

“Got some leftover burgers – some apples – _a pie_ – ” Kris grabbed all three and shut the fridge with his leg before shambling over to the dining table and dumping the food onto it.

“Should tide me over till morning,” Susie said, licking her lips.

Kris smirked. “I’m having some too, you freeloader.” He popped the burgers into the microwave and pressed a few buttons. He then started rummaging around in the drawers, and as he did, Susie noticed that the clock on the stove read 2:14 a.m.

“Shit, it’s late,” she said, half to herself.

“You’ve stayed up this late before,” Kris stated, although to Susie it sounded more like a question.

“I mean – _yeah_ , all the time. It’s just…” Susie sat down at the table. “I dunno. I’m just really tired right now.”

“You should eat something,” Kris said, returning to the table with a few plates and a knife.

“Yeah, I know,” Susie said. “Hey, I can – ”

“ _Sit_ – ” Kris rested a hand on Susie’s shoulder and gently pushed her back into her chair. “Down. I’ve got it.” He put the apples onto a plate and began cutting them.

“Okay…” Susie said, settling into her chair. “I-I’m really sorry for all the trouble.”

“It’s fine,” said Kris, continuing to chop up the apples.

“You shouldn’t have to – t-to – ”

Kris paused.

He looked down at Susie.

She looked back up, and

chuckled.

She was being stupid.

“Nevermind,” she said. “You do all the work, freak. See if I care.”

Kris smiled wider than Susie had seen in months. He resumed cutting the apples.

~~~

After they finished eating, they crept up the stairs to Kris’ room and settled in for the night. Susie got Asriel’s bed, as she had many times before.

“Been a while since I slept on this thing,” she said. She pressed down on it with one hand and heard the springs creak dangerously beneath. She frowned. “You, uh. Sure it won’t break this time?”

“It never does, Susie,” Kris said, his voice equal parts exasperation and sarcasm. “Despite your best efforts, your _fat dragon ass_ has yet to crush it.”

“ _Dude –_ ” Susie started to roll her eyes, but couldn’t help from breaking out into laughter.

Kris whipped around and pressed a finger to his lips, though he was smiling too.

Susie flipped him off and pulled back the sheets.

~~~

“So what’s up?”

Susie sighed, gazing up at the ceiling. Outside, crickets chirped from the front lawn. Susie was wrapped from head to toe in Asriel’s comforter.

Across the dozens and dozens of sleepovers they’d shared, a sort of ritual had developed between Susie and Kris. Toriel would put them to bed, and instead of sleeping like the good little children they weren’t, they’d stay up. Kris had portable game systems, and sometimes they’d even sneak out the window to mess around in the backyard. Somehow, Toriel had never caught them.

Tonight, though, they were just going to talk.

Kris was still waiting for a response. Susie could take her time, though – the conversations that were held between these walls could be very personal, and that took time to come out – something that both Kris and Susie came to understand as they got older.

But Susie knew that tonight’s conversation couldn’t wait. Not anymore.

“Do you ever…” Susie stopped herself. “Do you ever wake up in the morning and…not want to get out of bed?”

Silence.

“Not because I’m tired, you mean,” Kris replied.

“Yeah,” Susie said.

She heard Kris shift about in his bedsheets from the other side of the room. Her heart pounded.

“Yeah, mostly in high school,” he said. “Mostly before I met you. And Ralsei and Lancer.”

Susie hummed back, to let Kris know that she’d heard him.

More silence.

“So what’s up?” Kris repeated.

Susie groaned. “I don’t _know_ , I just – _shit_.” She sat up a little. “Dude, I’m really fuckin’ sorry for what I did back at the apartment. I-I was – ”

“It’s fine,” Kris said softly.

“ _No_. It’s not fine.” Susie rested her head in her hands. “I’ve been – fuckin’ around, thinking about friends I’ll never _see_ again – I didn’t even notice that you were right in front of me the whole time.”

Outside the window, the crickets chirped.

“I’m really sorry, dude,” Susie said quietly.

“It’s okay,” Kris replied.

The crickets hushed for a moment, leaving Susie to her thoughts, her beating heart, and the sweat rolling down her face.

_Fuck_ , this was hard.

But she couldn’t stop. Holding in everything had almost consumed her. She had to keep talking.

She had to tell him _everything_.

“A couple weeks ago…well, I _think_ it was a couple weeks ago…” Susie gulped. “I, uh. Cut myself. Or something.”

More silence.

“Oh my god are you serious.”

“Yeah,” Susie croaked. “I’m _fine_ , it wasn’t – I wasn’t _serious_ , I don’t think – didn’t even draw blood, so it barely _counts_ , ha ha – I-I just – ”

“Susie – ”

“Kris, I’m _fine –_ ”

But Kris had already gotten up from his bed. She heard him walking across the floor towards her.

“Kris, _seriously_ ,” she said, turning to face him. “It was one time. It didn’t leave any marks.”

Kris stood there for a moment, framed by the moonlight from the window. It might have surprised Susie had she not known Kris as well as she did, but the human didn’t look sad or concerned in the slightest. Instead, his eyes had that blank, intense look he sometimes got in them when he saw Berdly picking on people in high school. There was an odd sort of _determination_ to them – actually, he almost looked angry.

“Susie, do you have any _idea – why would you –_ ”

“I know, dude,” Susie hissed. She turned away. She couldn’t meet his eyes. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Nothing but the sound of Kris breathing. Then:

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what I was…”

After another moment’s pause, Kris went back to his bed. She heard it creak as he laid back down. “…Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Susie said, so quietly it came out like a growl. “I shouldn’t have done it.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Kris said. “Next time – _please_ just tell me before it gets that bad again, okay?”

“I know. I know,” Susie said. She sighed. “I’ll do better.”

Kris shuffling again. “It’s not about doing _better_ , it’s just…” He trailed off. “Yeah.”

Susie exhaled. “Yeah.”

The crickets chirped again. Susie wrapped her arms around herself and squeezed tightly. Her breaths were coming in and out through clenched teeth.

Forcing her mouth open, Susie took a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. The world evened out around her. She settled into the covers a little more.

“…I’m sorry about how it ended with Ralsei and Lancer.”

Susie’s eyes blinked open. “What? Oh – ” She rolled over so that she was on her side, facing Kris. “Don’t worry about that, dude. It happened – ”

“I still feel bad about it,” Kris said. There was an uncharacteristic crack – almost a _whimper_ – to his voice. Susie heard him sniff audibly.

Her heart ached.

“I felt it,” Kris said. “We were growing up. I know we said we’d never talk about this, but the Dark World – I don’t know if it’s real or fake, but it’s connected to us, somehow. Or maybe it’s just connected to me. I don’t know. But at a certain point, I just couldn’t go back to it anymore. I – you – we were too _old_ , somehow. We weren’t kids anymore.

“I felt it coming on for a while before it ended for good. So I was ready for it. I guess it might’ve looked like I wasn’t sad, but I was, even if I didn’t show it. I just…knew it was time to move on. And you…”

Silence.

“You didn’t want – I was – I couldn’t _understand_ why you didn’t feel it. Why you didn’t _know_ that it was all going to end, one day. I was – frustrated with you – ”

Silence.

“…probably because I couldn’t express my own sadness in the way that you did.”

The crickets chirped quietly.

Somewhere along the way, Susie had started crying, too. She wiped her cheeks, a bittersweet feeling welling up inside her.

“Heh,” she chuckled. “Come on, man. You’re turning the school bully into a crybaby, over here.”

“You’re not a _bully_ , Susie,” Kris said. “You haven’t been for a long, long time. You’ve changed a lot since high school.”

“Yeah. You too,” she replied.

“You know who _really_ changed?” Kris said suddenly, sitting up. “ _Berdly_.”

Susie laughed uproariously into her pillow, completely and utterly sidelined by the name drop.

“ _Dude –_ ” Kris sat up in his bed, getting ready to whip his pillow in Susie’s direction. “Shut the _fuck up –_ ”

“F-Fuckin’ – _Berdly_ , dude,” Susie managed, still laughing. “He was such a shithead. Remember when he asked Noelle out to the prom?”

Kris sighed. “Yes. I do.”

Susie sat up, emboldened by the agreement, and by the memories that connected them. “He wrote a poem and everything! And the fuckin’ _suit??_ ”

“What a simp,” Kris said, shaking his head.

“Hah.” Susie sighed and laid back down, the tension all but gone from her body. She privately thanked Berdly for the laugh. “He was so shitty. I’m glad he’s better now.”

“Eh. He’s still shitty,” Kris said. “He’s just a lot more _aware_ of it, now. And aware of other people.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Susie said. “He grew up.”

The crickets chirped, and Kris smiled pleasantly.

“We all did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a little while, but here's the next chapter!
> 
> Life is really really hard for me right now, so I unfortunately can't commit to a consistent update schedule. From now on, chapters will come out when they are ready and no sooner. I hate to say something as self-serving as that, but taking the pressure off is really the only way I can continue writing the story well and, honestly, writing it at all.
> 
> If anything changes vis a vis me getting a new update schedule or anything else regarding the fic, I'll edit this notes section. Until then, thank you so very much for reading the story up until this point. Sooner or later, we'll reach the end together!


End file.
